I will take responsibility for all of it.
It is not his fault.
I blame me and I punish myself for being bad.
I was bad.
He loved J & S &C;
So I must have been the bad child.
I’m not coping well.
I feel trapped, caged,
With nowhere to turn,
nowhere to hide,
I cannot find a way out.
I run away from them,
but I can’t escape them.

I am heartless, cruel, a seductress. 
I am bad.
 I betrayed him by telling.                                                                                                                                                                                                            I shouldn’t have told.
I have poisoned him and myself, 
Hurt those who hurt me.
I am responsible. 
I should have continued to deny.
I should have continued to let it poison me...
But unknown, unseen, it would cause harm to no one else 
No one but me. 
There was no one to protect me then, 
But I never protected myself.

Why did I speak? 
It did not change anything.  
The reality is it still happened.      
  He still hurt me.       
Nothing will change that.         
But I will not longer ask for help         
Because the rejection hurts worse than what he did.        
Maybe it is true that I do not deserve help.         
I should only suffer silently, secretly, alone.          
I should not have reached out.           
Reaching out and finding nothing is worse than not reaching out at all.   
 
 I reached out for help,
“within the parameters that were set forth”
By the therapist,
And to no avail.
Why?
Because I am a pathetic, inconsequential, wounded failure.
I want to hurt myself.
I want to make myself suffer and bleed.
I want to.
I tried the other route.
It hasn’t worked.
Now I just want to bleed and hurt.
I wanted help.
But there is none.
I have a really bad feeling about tonight
...bad...