Hey! Friend.
I know we haven't talked in a while.
It's been a minute.
I've been so distant.
I've been so caught up.
I've been avoiding catching up.
Because catching up means:"How are you?"
"How have you been?"
For the life in me,
I don't know how to answer that question.
Because I am not okay.
But I don't know how to say,
That I'm not okay.
That life is a hurricane.
That all I feel is pain.
That I am holding on by a thread.
That I wish I was dead.
I don't want to burden you,
With all this negative energy around me.
I'd rather you don't know how I am,
And assume that I am okay.
Than me telling you that I am not okay.
Don't ask me how I am doing.
Don't ask me how I have been.
Cause I can't give you that answer.
Not without falling apart.
Not without breaking my heart.
It hurts.
Everything hurts.
And I can't describe it.
I can't express it.
I am numb.
I have succumbed,
To the darkness.
To the sadness.
So forgive me, but I can't tell you how I am.
I can't tell you how I am really.
I can't tell you that it's better.
Or that I'm no longer bitter,
About things that hurt me in the past.
That I never talk about, but haven't healed from.
I can't tell you cause you'd expect that I've healed by now.
I've moved on by now.
It happened years ago.
But I haven't.
And I can't tell you why.
Simply because I don't know why.
So I'm sorry if you feel like I have changed.
I've become estranged.
But there's emotions I can't put into words.
There's demons I can't escape from.
So it's better if I don't mention them.
So I avoid the question: "How are you?"
When I see those words, my mind starts racing.
Because that's when I remember that I am not okay.
I don't know if I will ever be okay.
I'm sorry if this hurts you.
But trust me, it hurts me more.
It hurts me that my world is so gloomy.
Unfortunately this is my reality.
And I embrace the darkness.
I confide in the darkness.
I'm friends with the darkness.
I don't expect you to understand.
And I'm not asking for your sympathy.
All I ask is that you don't ask me how I am.
Because I don't know how am.
Don't ask me how things are going,
Cause things aren't going.
I'm in a stationary ship.
Until I'm in a brighter place, mentally.
Emotionally.
Physically.
I can't tell you how I am.
So please, don't ask me how I am.