In my real life I tend to pull inside myself when I find myself in a place of fear or pain; much like a turtle hiding inside her shell when she feels threatened. It’s difficult for me to reach out to someone for help, or even just for ‘company’. I don’t feel that way “here” ~ for a couple of reasons, there is, of course, the anonymity factor, but also because I think most people who ‘read’ my writings feel and struggle with much of the same things I do. In my real life that is not the case.

I am encouraged by others to share with people…share the truth. I am told that if I shared the truth with them…not like the gross explicit details of what is running rampant through my crazy brain, but just when things trigger a past memory for me and it how it makes me feel. And without even thinking about it, I shout, “No way! I don’t want them to know!” It’s hard to share the bad things in real life with real life people because I don’t want them to see me the way I see myself; weak and gross and ***** and depressed. I want them to see the Nita that I’ve always been….because I’m embarrassed of the other “nitas”. And they are to be kept in the dark, as they have always been.

Therapy sessions are very difficult because we continued to talk about the ‘hard stuff’ the stuff I don’t talk about and I pushed myself to share more of the bad stuff with than I ever have before. I think I push myself because I want to feel better so badly that I just want to spew it all out of me so “we” can figure out how to deal with it so there is less confusion and craziness and fighting inside my head. But my plan kind of back-fires on me because there is even more craziness and fighting…voices screaming that we shared too much with the therapist. Embarrassment, shame, fear, pain…all pummeled me until I wanted to cut the voices right out of my brain! What was I thinking? Why did I tell him that? What he must think of me now! *******! Now I can never go back there he knows way too much! And this continuous tape recorder does not stop.

I have text messages and voice mail messages and emails from friends and I cannot answer any of them because I cannot let anyone know how much pain I am in and how much shame I feel from therapy and my pathetic life.  But then slowly, I start to respond to some of the emails and text messages, apologizing for my lack of response but that I wasn't really in a place to talk. And I realized that I do have friends who love me and would be there for me, if I would let them… I respond to one friend and told her I wasn’t in a good place so I couldn’t respond to her then…and she said, “That’s when you walk up to me for a hug and know that I am here for you always.”

I have some really good friends out there…but you know what still holds me back from reaching out to them? That voice inside who says, “Nita, they don’t KNOW the truth about you. That’s why they love you. If they knew the truth they would surely run away…just as you have run away from yourself for so many years…” and so I do not respond to any of them.