If you love her.....


You'll *******.

It's such a narcissistic day dream/nightmare to think that even if you:

( perpetrated a pattern of behavior of abuse, lies,
if you constantly took them for granted,
if you caused them to question their own thoughts, their sanity ,
if you took advantage of their vulnerabilities,
if you treated another human being that you purported to love like they were not deserving of it, or knew you could act how you wanted to and they would probably stick around because of your mutual commitment .....)

That YOU still deserve happiness with them. That they should have to heal from YOUR *******, not because of how they should heal to move forward and become healthier but because YOU love them and they should be with YOU because it would make YOU feel good.

Just simply *******.

Because honestly, you shouldn't have to hurt someone and lose them to realize what love and their value is.

And that love you feel didn't stop you from hurting them before.

And it doesn't stop you from being a better person in the future.

We all mess up, we all act in ways we shouldn't sometimes.

This is not to say you should give up on love or give up on becoming a better person. You shouldn't. But you also shouldn't pretend that how you treated them wasn't somehow indicative of what you thought they deserved.

And if you have changed, if you have grown, if you ACTUALLY love them, you'll apologize. You'll be truly remorseful. And you'll *******. Because some one out there will recognize exactly what a treasure they have in the person who is beside them. They will build them up, they will protect them, and they will cherish the beautiful soul they can not believe they are so lucky to be partnered with. And they won't have to treat them like **** to realize it. 

You can love someone and not be compatible. You can love someone and also recognize that you will never be able to make them happy in vital and important ways.

And you can *******, and pray that they can heal from your wounds and find what they deserve.


Here's my confession:
If I had loved you like you and I both like we  deserved,  we would have been done long before I found those messages. Before I disconnected. Before we were both so miserable. I stayed. And it was cruel. I allowed your treatment of me. In the name of marriage and commitment and thinking that love meant being there even through bad behavior. You risked my health, my heart, and my future. Because you were just as much of a coward as I was. Because you were worse. You had information I didn't. You lied to me. And you lied to yourself. Because love would not allow you to do the things you did. You loved yourself more than you could ever love me.


So *******.