I don’t feel bipolar or schizophrenic-like

in any way today. Look alive, Jess.

This may not be good.

Or maybe I do. Teju Cole says

“We are our habits in sum.”

I think we are our occupations

and preoccupations and I feel

dizzy, numb, now that I am 30 years

old, sitting on a park bench and stuck

just inhaling the last of a smoke

I lit way back when I was 20, waiting,

almost 21, before I broke my brain

and the earth was one sorrow lighter.

Good morning.

How do you do?

Fine.

What do you do?

I clean my house, play pretend and mostly

try to keep conversations inside of

my head or else I hide inside a corner of a coffee house

and write them down until-

What time is it? 52 minutes

of 7:10 and I used to have

a car and a longer leash

and I still got arrested

#1481882

without one. I think

I have done all the things

and looked inside of or fallen down all

the holes like Alice

EAT ME.

DRINK ME.

#01971

I can’t remember anything but I can

remember, that for some reason

I sprayed my coat with

vinegar- a very random

conversation piece indeed. I even fall

into other people’s tiny

talking points across

the room. Shut the **** up,

please. I am trying desperately

to keep it quiet in here.

I don’t care about your group

texts or, ( or by whose standards?)-

your own public

shame. I used to have a

phone too and I don’t miss it-

yes.

Like a gloved hand

with no fingers and too

many holes

trying to make-up my mind.

3.141592

I mean, I empathize

with Emily but there is

a kind of shelter outside

that exists nowhere else,

a break from the Nazis

and life coaches and paranoias

and music you think you

have in my head. Jumbled, jumbled

more wrecked I am without

my Chi-Yin. I miss him terribly

4 minutes of 7:10. I hope he is

sleeping fine now, without me; he

too, finding his final form

in dreams and I- not

wanting to be on the cusp

of escaping, trying to piece together

what exactly is a puzzle

and what isn’t: still

deciduous, unformed

and undecided.



-Jesse Haydn