Here is the simple
Awful
Truth.
I hate you for wanting to die.
I hate you for all those times you used to call me
Saying you were going to do it.
All those times I cried
And called your mother.
I hate you for using how much you hate yourself
To make me
And everyone else
Worry
So that you can see that we care
When you never needed to be dying to see it.
I hate you for knowing you need help
And never going after it.
I hate you for knowing exactly where you're heading
And acting too weak to do anything else.
I hate that I can't separate a psychosis from a melodrama
In your deceitful eyes.
I hate that I have to treat every lie like it's a truth
Because this might be the time it is.
I hate that every lie IS a truth,
Just a truth you've used to drain me of my time and energy.
I hate this. I hate you.
I've hated you for a long time.
I hate you for being weaker than me.
Where I fight for my life,
You throw yours away,
Claiming you can't do anything else because
"It's hard."
Yeah,
It's ******* hard.
It's worth it.
I don't want to be better than you
Stronger than you
Wiser than you.
I want you to try like I do
Because the only difference between us
Is the trying.
I hate you for taking the shortcuts
The outs
And going down like I know you will
Every single ******* time.
I hate you for finding every form of self abuse
And romanticizing it like it's a good thing.
I hate you for being weak, I really do.
For giving up all the time
For never trying hard enough to earn the words
"I've failed."
I hate you for making me feel so worthless when we were young
Just because YOU felt worthless
And wanted to be better than someone
And I was willing.
I hate how you changed toward me
The moment I became more comfortable than you
The moment I became myself.
I hate that only then did I deserve your love and respect
Because you can lose someone who thinks they're worth something.
I hate that I've rarely seen you do anything
That wasn't in service of destroying your own happiness and health.
I hate that you don't know when to stop
Because every time life has tried to teach you
You've only used the lesson to loathe yourself
And not to change yourself.
I hate that you probably won't ever change
And that I'll be your emotional paradigm,
The one you're jealous and in awe of,
The one you chase and can't have,
The one you come to and dump all your problems on
So you won't have to face them.
You can be strong,
I've seen it in your eyes.
You're smart,
You've proven that many times.
But oh,
It's too hard,
It hurts.
Yeah.
It ******* hurts when for 18 years
You abuse yourself
And then you have to answer to that.
But if you don't now
18 will be 20
20, 40.
40, 80.
And suddenly, you truly will be too weak,
Too worn out,
And your life will be wasted in self hatred,
And you will never
Ever
Get it back.
It's hard.
It's worth it.
Someday I will tell you how much
I absolutely
Hate you
For not thinking so.