the familiar feeling of bile rising
from the pits of my stomach
all the way up up up

now at the bottom of my throat

-- i am basically gargling it now

some thoughts and fears never leave
my mind needlessly conjuring up
paranoid scenarios repeatedly

my imagination never failing me

that familiar choking feeling
closing my air passage
and hands shaking
inhaling and exhaling deeply

a panic attack overtaking me
black spots on my vision now
i try to forget the caricatures
drawn in my imagination

heart still racing, flecks on the
sides of my eyes, throat feeling torn

that familiar feeling of helplessness
solitude, loneliness, sadness,
righteous fury, despair, alone,
alone, alone, alone, alone

-- no one around

my walls are whispering,
my memories are ripped apart
every relationship, conversation
overanalyzed, brought to the forefront
of my mind's eye and every worst-case

brought up and the walls that
once seemed sturdy enough to hold
out against the world in my isolation
don't feel thick away anymore

my dreams, miles away, seem like the
worthless struggles of a coward
who can only run away, helpless
clueless child in some adult body

has not read the book everyone
in the room already read-  left
without pretense and a mask

cannot read the cues, hardly
knows when to move on and no good
at drawing lines or forgetting

my heart is pounding, numbness
falls over-- everyone leave,
leave, leave, leave, leave