I cheated myself for so long,
built up a foundation that was
settled on looking strong
and being be better than
that bunch of get along men
who were working for a profit.

Such anger and pride,
but when I elevated my mind
I displaced that drive.
My ambition lost it’s bite,
because it was derived
from a powerful sense of self spite.
Evan though, I believed I was right,
I felt like I was not worthy.
Evan though, I was certain I was better,
I still felt like less than every other man.

Pushing and pulling metal plates,
and other forms of resistance
in varying weights,
shifting, and reworking
twisting, and jerking,
turning perspectives
over and inside out,
till I could figure new **** out
and garner the wisdom
of ancients at the same time.
Always striving to be
something better than the current
version of me.

What a sickness to let myself be defined
by that twisted dissonance in my own mind,
but the problem I find
is right now I am left
with almost no bitterness.
I have no desire to overcome
any of the crazy ****
that never really mattered one bit.

I am apathetic,
dangerously dulled by my indifference.