it’s just a word
that’s what i tell myself
so the breath doesn’t leave my body when i see it
or hear it
but for some reason
those 8 letters shake me to my core
they make me lose all thought
all reason
all sense of normal
and i don’t know why
because it’s me
i don’t know why those eight letters
have that much power over me

maybe it’s because i’ve read it a million times in my textbooks
seeing the stats
and pictures with the stick thin girls
looking in the mirror
maybe it’s because i can’t admit to myself
i actually am those statistics
i cant process that i’m the word
because it’s only in textbooks
it’s only in the movies
that’s not who i am
that will never be me
maybe it’s because i don’t see myself as it
i don’t see myself as the girl in the textbook
or as a percentage in a chart
i don’t see myself as a definition
or something people study
something that people can’t understand  

or maybe it’s because i hate the word
because it only reminds me of complete and utter pain that used to be my life
maybe it remind me of everything i lost
or that were robbed from me i should say
my happiness, my passion, my life
my entire life was taken by those eight letters
so maybe that’s why i cant bear to even look at them

maybe it’s because that means i am it
maybe if i see the word too many times
or say it enough
it will become me
it will be who i am now
and what am i then
i’m not alive that’s for sure
what am i if that’s all i am
if that’s who i’ve become now
what do i have
if my whole existence is based upon those 8 letters

i wish i could tell you
i really do
because i want to to know too
i want to know why i flinch at the sight of the word
why i cant stand to hear it
let alone have it leave my mouth
i want to sit here and tell you
that i’m better
and those 8 letters are behind me
but to be honest i don’t think they ever will be
maybe that’s it
maybe that’s what i’m afraid of
never being able to forget it
or past it
just stuck with it
being haunted by it every second
because i see it everywhere
it follows me and teases me
everywhere i go
so maybe if i don’t say it
it will leave me alone forever

or maybe just maybe
the word makes it all a little too real

maybe when i say it
i feel the pain
and hurt
that i used to
i see the joy i was robbed of
for so long
i see who i was before
i see it all so clearly when i see that word
and maybe that
is just too real to handle