I tried denying the fact,
Tried to carry back,
Who I might have been.
But you ruined me.
Crippled my soul.
Withered the me I could have been.
Now I’ll never know
My splinter soul
You killed for pleasure,
And tomorrow spattered the white walls
As you slaughter her clarity.
Forever, I may as well have known.
My family almost immediately
Had replenished whole,
Got back on their feet,
And begun a smile.
The sadness muted like defeating heat.
Or like clearing fogged, trickling tiles.
I realize I could have ----
Might have… existed better.
Perhaps with a higher feather.
To seize my voyage of safety.
But under the circumstances
That’s not achievable.
Highly improbable.
Much so, I’m not content
On what life left me.
What you left me.
I’m still struggling
To get to my feet.
I’m still in the middle of climbing a mountain,
Suspending to two sides
Of a rope attached to my belt, mounting.
My lifeline.
My sanity.
I want to keep both
In the same two hands.
If I renounce my hold on one,
The other follows.
So I claim in both my hands
What’s mine
I hold tight.
Standing on toes of tips of height
I put my trust to hang on that ledge of fright.
Just barley hanging,
Touching that stonewall.
Trying to stay in one place,
I fear to face,
To blunder.
At times I make the mistake
Of looking down,
And becoming aware.
Terrorized by the height.
Now you see…
I try.
I cry.
I relied on you.
I chose.
I dosed and didn’t see
What you put me through.
You murdered me,
And it’s too late to restore me.
Not with standing away
A single tear drop.
Are you bored of me?
You killed me along with my childhood.
I hope you enjoyed your fatherhood.
Because I was unaware of what you had done.
Did you really love me,
Or was it an act.
The fact
That you couldn’t love was clear,
But I don’t hate you my dear.
Father to daughter,
My love was there.
Something you have to live with
Something you have to recognize you never gave back.
Is that clear?
It’s not my fault?
It’s not your fault?
Then whose is it’s?
That person has to take responsibility,
And give back.
Apologize and beg.
Because I am not my own.
I can’t help, but blame myself.
I have no choice, but to agree
Because there is no individual to aid me.
My recovery can’t be complete
I can’t see the world as whole anymore.
I can’t be forever young, simply full, or pure.
I’m tainted, sour, and broken.
It’s your turn to carry a burden
To know.
How my heart has sorrowfully hardened.
Where I can’t be dependable of anyone so easily.
It’s time we both know
What you truly had done to me.