she handed me back my heart
without making eye contact
there was still a tenderness
in her fingertips
an unspoken apology
for letting go
a slight quiver in her voice
carried the words
that pierced through
the hollow of my chest

the tale of our forever
abruptly ended
the chapter cut off mid-sentence
the remaining pages left
longing for the echo of words
waiting to bounce back
from eternities edge
for any words to break
the uncomfortable silence

I cracked and I crumbled
until there was nothing left
but rubble and smoke and ash
and a pain as heavy
as it was empty
a pain that stretched
from the weak tremble of my heart
past the unknown year
of my inevitable death

I don’t remember much
of the pain in detail
or how sleepless the nights were
how bad the dreams got
I remember it hurting in a place
I believed it would never hurt again
hurting in a way
I never thought would go away
a hurt I never thought
I would be able to live with

time passed slowly burning
what would never be again
her ghost was on every corner
in every line
in every car at ever stop light
my body kept going
through the motions of life
but I was...

I was...

I really don’t recall
what or who I was
some fraction of who I use to be
and nothing of who
I thought I would become

eventually I flew out
to visit my parents for four days
to try and regroup and recollect
and rebuild and distract myself
those four days turned
into a week and then a month
and the idea of going back...
back to where both she
and her ghost lived...
well...
the month turned to years
and those years are still pilling up

I tried drinking
no....
I drank
I drank a lot
the days became blurs
and it stopped hurting
on the nights I couldn’t recall
or remember
but the pain was still there
still empty
still heavy
when my blood
was absent of *****
and my head full of longing
for the things that would never be

and time crawled

I fell in love with a new face
a new heart
and it was wild and turbulent
and short lived
and another hand reached
into my wreckage
and pulled out my heart
and held it for a moment
and it felt like love
and we played pretend
until one day my heart
was handed back again

and I remembered
the tender touch
of an unspoken apology

and life went on
and it hurt
but the hurt wasn’t the same
the pain was different
not quite as heavy
not unnecessarily empty
it bloomed in
the shape of lilies and orchids
and the air smelled
of a lost love
that wasn’t lost
and I breathed in
and exhaled

I opened a book
I once thought had ended
and I started to read the next chapter
that picked up mid-sentence
and love was still there on the page
though different
somehow farther away
and yet still deeply rooted
in the pulse and rhythm
of the blood living and flowing
in the chambers of my heart