but the final problem was this:
I never was who I wanted to be.
no matter how much I changed,
no matter who I newly became,
I was not satisfied with myself

I peeled back my identities,
let go of my vanities, and
tore off my imperfections
and never once found who
I was looking for

and the final question became:
was he even in there? could I
exist as I wanted to? was I not
searching hard enough, or was
there nothing to be found at all?

the answer, truly, did not matter.
both were equally terrifying. for,
on one hand, I was pathetic, and,
on the other, I was simply worthless.

what does one do now? this,
finally, was my dilemma.