Caught between wanting to run away
Wanting to stay
Terrified that either choice will leave me
Unfulfilled;
Wishing I had chosen the other.

I feel as if my life is a dream
Like I’m not really living it, really.
Maybe I’m watching it from afar,
Is this consciousness all there is to me?

The time to choose is slipping through my hands
Passing with birthdays and promotions
Anniversaries and holidays
Marking one more year
But one more year to what?

What is MY story??
What is MY existence?
More importantly,
What does my existence mean to me?
What do I want out of it?

For so long I had wanted to **** myself, but I didn’t.
Maybe I wanted to **** myself because I knew how sad my life would be.
Maybe I now know the choices I need to make because of that statement.