Sep 2020
I came to Him tonight literally crumbling. I felt as though every part of my essence trembled with the weight of my anxiety, almost as though my very being would be crushed beneath it. My eyes even struggled to maintain contact with His for fear that the **** inside of me would break and I wouldn’t be able to contain it. I needed my Dada, but not for giggles or cuddles or fun and games. I couldn’t put my need into words, the memories I struggled against were far too angry and traumatizing to even allow my little close to them. I needed my Dom.
True to form He didn’t force me to try to form the words to explain my distress. He simply held me tightly, and for those moments it time it felt as if His arms were the only thing holding me together.
I knew to expect big girl time, as we had defined that was the plan for the evening already. He knew the battle raging in my head and He had precisely the cure in mind. Full stop, lights off, shut it down, nobody’s home, sub space. For which I was simultaneously terrified and extremely grateful. My fears were not of Him of course, but of the reactions and emotions I knew His touch would pull out of me. Pushing me to a place of raw expression, with no filters, just pure undiluted release. Where my screams, cries, tears, and moans would be exhausted and soon silenced along with the struggle in my mind.
But before that, as I expected He would, He decided that we would need to eat. I was grateful He understood how deeply my mind was sinking and an all-out meal wasn’t required. Just a light snack, He said. But even with that my mind fought to stay present, every moment seeming to sink further away from the bed where we sat to eat.
Then in one of the most intimate displays of tenderness I can hardly describe, He fed me. Similar to how He would feed my little but not in the same way. He helped me with each bite, offering a silent affirmation with a simple stroke of His hand on my shoulder as I took it. I can’t put into words the depth of what that simple of act meant.
Once our pseudo meal was complete we moved on toward our plans for the evening. I’d already voiced my concern, that I had no idea what to expect from myself; no gauge with which to measure how I would react. With this in mind we moved forward, carefully at first and then with more intensity further on.
I soon found His touch and while at first it required much more effort than I’m used to in order to remain focused on it, He very quickly reminded me that both my body and mind are His. Not far into the motions He pulled me over His lap into a position I’ve come to know well and began to spank me, only this time was different. We explore both worlds of pleasure and pain within balance but this was not our standard exercise. The pace was relentless and I soon found myself grappling with the **** again, trying to keep the waters at bay. But He knew this as well, and the strikes continued as the tears began to flow. They brought with them a wave of emotion I hadn’t allowed myself to experience and with it as well a level of release that left my entire body weak. But with the weakness was also a sense of emptiness that I reveled in. No longer did I have the knots in my stomach that come with trying keep the plastic smile on my face.
With that we continued on into big girl time which sparing the details, was a level more intense than that of which I’ve experienced as of yet. The silence in my mind was pure bliss and I snuggled up with my Dada, my Dom and fell into complete rest.
I woke up a few hours later with the urge to put this into words for Him and also to acknowledge it here as well. I’m so grateful for Him, He is my strength when I cannot bear the weight and that is far and away more priceless than any other Christmas gift one could ask for.
Grace
12/19/15
True to form He didn’t force me to try to form the words to explain my distress. He simply held me tightly, and for those moments it time it felt as if His arms were the only thing holding me together.
I knew to expect big girl time, as we had defined that was the plan for the evening already. He knew the battle raging in my head and He had precisely the cure in mind. Full stop, lights off, shut it down, nobody’s home, sub space. For which I was simultaneously terrified and extremely grateful. My fears were not of Him of course, but of the reactions and emotions I knew His touch would pull out of me. Pushing me to a place of raw expression, with no filters, just pure undiluted release. Where my screams, cries, tears, and moans would be exhausted and soon silenced along with the struggle in my mind.
But before that, as I expected He would, He decided that we would need to eat. I was grateful He understood how deeply my mind was sinking and an all-out meal wasn’t required. Just a light snack, He said. But even with that my mind fought to stay present, every moment seeming to sink further away from the bed where we sat to eat.
Then in one of the most intimate displays of tenderness I can hardly describe, He fed me. Similar to how He would feed my little but not in the same way. He helped me with each bite, offering a silent affirmation with a simple stroke of His hand on my shoulder as I took it. I can’t put into words the depth of what that simple of act meant.
Once our pseudo meal was complete we moved on toward our plans for the evening. I’d already voiced my concern, that I had no idea what to expect from myself; no gauge with which to measure how I would react. With this in mind we moved forward, carefully at first and then with more intensity further on.
I soon found His touch and while at first it required much more effort than I’m used to in order to remain focused on it, He very quickly reminded me that both my body and mind are His. Not far into the motions He pulled me over His lap into a position I’ve come to know well and began to spank me, only this time was different. We explore both worlds of pleasure and pain within balance but this was not our standard exercise. The pace was relentless and I soon found myself grappling with the **** again, trying to keep the waters at bay. But He knew this as well, and the strikes continued as the tears began to flow. They brought with them a wave of emotion I hadn’t allowed myself to experience and with it as well a level of release that left my entire body weak. But with the weakness was also a sense of emptiness that I reveled in. No longer did I have the knots in my stomach that come with trying keep the plastic smile on my face.
With that we continued on into big girl time which sparing the details, was a level more intense than that of which I’ve experienced as of yet. The silence in my mind was pure bliss and I snuggled up with my Dada, my Dom and fell into complete rest.
I woke up a few hours later with the urge to put this into words for Him and also to acknowledge it here as well. I’m so grateful for Him, He is my strength when I cannot bear the weight and that is far and away more priceless than any other Christmas gift one could ask for.
Grace
12/19/15
