Hi you, it’s me. Are you reading this? I hope you are. But even if you don’t read this, these words will always be here.
I’m not writing this to spit more angry words or slurs at you.
I’m writing this because... I wish I had met you before you were so hurt and betrayed by women. I wish you had fallen into my life before you got cheated on. I wish you came into my life the way I came into yours. I had all this hope for us, I had all this future planned out in my head. I wanted you to be the last person I’ve ever loved. Truly loved.
And you were. I was only a small chapter in your life, a chapter you will most likely forget about but you were the epilogue for me.
You made me, me for a little bit longer. Because truth be told, I was going to do what I did long before you came along. You made me give my family a daughter, a sister and a mother longer but none of you knew that.
I had been sad for a long time, it felt like I was failing everyone.
You had me thinking, maybe just maybe, it will be worth it. Let’s see where the future takes me. When you touched me, it made me forget that I was ever as sad as I was. You made me so incredibly happy and it made me feel good that you did truly love me. I get it, I depended on you too much, it was too much too fast and you didn’t want to trust me.
I kept letting you back every time you left because I always wanted to feel the way you made me feel when we were good.
You made me feel alive. And feeling alive felt indescribable.
One look from you and we were magic. You made me feel like magic Brett. Do you know how rare that is? How amazing that feeling was? I made myself believe that I would be okay, just as long as you wanted me.
But that’s not reality, although you made me feel on cloud 9. The darkness crept back in, it swept in like the current. I watched as the feelings began to become numbing. I felt myself slipping away.
It was never your job to make me feel okay, I tried to do it myself but late at night, when you were sleeping or you were gone, I couldn’t breathe. I felt numb. I felt depressed and I wanted the sadness to be washed away forever. I wanted to sleep and never wake up.
I’m sorry, we were magic and alive but I couldn’t take it anymore. The last time I held you, I knew it was going to be the last time. I needed to push you away for good so you wouldn’t be so damaged by my selfish decision. You’re getting your life together and I didn’t need to be another pain source for you. So I let you go, I let you leave because it would be easier for the both of us. I couldn’t pretend to be happy anymore. I couldn’t pretend that everything was going to okay. Because I knew, things would never be okay.
You were almost my saving grace, and I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have met you. I shouldn’t have let a Julia Supernault be known in your life when I knew I didn’t want to live.
I’m sorry, I’m so deeply and incredibly sorry.
You will find your happiness, and I was glad to know I had found that in you for a short while. I don’t know what’s going to happen after but all I know is I’m going to try my hardest to carry my feelings for you forever.
Thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you so much.