there are times I hid in under the sofa
ran into the closet
jumped into the laundry pile
climbed onto the roof of the house and waited there
for the long night to overtake your body and diffuse its anger

many times you drunkenly lay on the side of the street
with me tugging at your arm trying to get back into the house

many times inebriated you tried to beat the car keys out of my hand
but I caved and drove you myself to the liquor store

and then you would sit there intoxicated, and tell how much you loved me
how good of a daughter I was

many times my mind feels fragmented, like a tiny lifeboat with a whole in it squeezing out air and I do not know if I will make it to the shore  

I sit on that tiny boat and I cry because
it is so hard for me to realize when someone truly loves me
and when they're just stringing me along
it is sad that I struggle so much  
i feel too confused and too inept
when it comes to recognizing love

many times, many times I forgave you
for the sake of my own well-being
but I no longer have to lie and tell them others you were nice to me
abuse is never nice
and you as a father weren't either

many times I have tried and many times I will continue to try
to reach for wholeness