It doesn’t take much for me to lose interest
In anyone
Really all it takes is for doubt to creep in
Claw its way in between self loathing and overused sarcasm
Wave it’s grotesque fingers in a foreboding salute of
“Hey, don’t worry. You’ll begin to get bored of that soon”
I was graced with an attention span lasting milliseconds
It’s a repeat cycle of:
Hi
How are you?
I think I like you
Oops never mind
I’ll never talk to you again
Good night
End of conversation
Now this may not sound like doubt
But just go out on a limb and trust me for a moment
I know just how ironic that sounds
For I was raised with trust issues
Who would I wake up to in the mornings when I wasn’t in the safety of my one warm household
Those nights I spent in dark ignorance and naivety
Suffocating
I was not naive enough though to not recognize what those white tablets did to you
I could not trust a word out of your mouth unless I saw the subject before my own eyes
Even then
There was always a lingering bitterness of possible foolery
Is that what those things tasted like on your tongue?
Having lived years under this you begin to recognize your own duality
Flash a smile
Set your growl
Take your pick of which you’d like today
I have learned that this leads to false connections
Not through trickery but through self choice
If you don’t form attachments
You don’t get hurt
A divided family equates to a divided person
At least in my experience
I could loath your existence but still convince you that your lame jokes make me laugh
They don’t
Call it what you like
A mean teen lie inventor machine
I don’t care
This ever present wet blanket is enough to damper my curiosity about you
Growing up
I had a habit of reaching out to people
Then suddenly pulling back
Tossing the life raft right in front of you
Only to **** the rope out of reach last second
I’ll smile but beware
My canines are sharp and my doubt taught me how to bite right where it hurts most
That sensitive tender area stacked up amongst secrets, soft spoken truths and inflated ego
Label me cruel
Thank you for your opinion
I never asked
I know just what I am
As I play Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with myself in the mirror
Dress up on Sunday to have you on your knees by Monday but I’m gone by Tuesday afternoon
You never saw me
There is no proof
A formulated personality perfectly exfoliated two way sense of morality
Darling I will laugh in your face if you say you know me well
I’m a Barbie doll dream house
Minus the dream and lacking the house
Oh sorry, I meant living nightmare
I’ll bat my eyelashes
Lure you in with sweet nectar ego boosts but in reality you’re only satisfying my craving for attention until my patience runs out
To all the young men
I do apologize for the kind of young woman I am
My mother tired to raise me better but my father did a pretty **** good job of still managing to **** up my morals
If I didn’t feel as if I needed to use you to check off the To Do’s on my list of personal vendettas I wouldn’t
But as I mention just previously
I lack morals
To all the young ladies I call my friends
I just want to tell you that there are times I regret not telling you my late night thoughts
But often times this is overshadowed by the fact that I can’t get passed how vicious middle school girls are
It was during that time I was able to fine tone my sharp claws to tear down my belief in anyone
Between recess bells and lunch tray chatter I learned how to turn my tongue into a weapon
I now know that you don’t tell secrets you don’t want your science room lab partner’s third cousin’s ex-girlfriend’s best friend’s little brother’s estranged aunt to know
Rather skip the gossip go watch a men’s professional soccer game if you need a quick drama fix
I will, however, admit to the quite obvious statement that I am a hypocrite
I speak of avoiding drama when my favorite past time is mining out your secrets
You’ll never know until it’s too late and by then I’m too far gone for you to catch me
Boo, better luck next time
Sike, there won’t be a next time
Once I’m gone I’m gone for good and baby I don’t look back not even once
When there are approaching police sirens of those who claim you’ve done them wrong
You don’t stick around to listen to them surround you
You run
Luckily for me
Along with my ever present doubt and horrible personality I was granted the gift of long legs
Good luck catching me
My distrust will keep me sprinting for far greater distances than your mind could ever comprehend
If you have a complaint get in the line of my own design isn’t it just fine?
There’s no point in slapping my wanted poster on the counter once you’ve reached the front
Who’s to believe a has been friend that knows nothing about this supposed culprit
What did I take that you did not willingly give?
I’m sorry if I am a thief
But I know how much easier it is to take from others than to give up from yourself
My doubt keeps me spiraling forward
And as my reserved cruel self sees it
What use is there in changing now?