I don't want to admit it
I don't want to
have to
admit it
but I like myself better this way
I wish I didn't
but I do
I laugh more
so much more
both longer
and more often
same with the ***
almost the best it's ever been
and nothing like anything
we've seen or felt or been in years
every ****** a god's kiss goodnight
I know I'm killing myself
but we are all going to die
someday
and what is the point in a long life
if it's a miserable slog the whole way?
I'll take a few years off the end
for a ten-fold increase in joy and pleasure
the rest of the time
any day
all day
all day long
There are a hundred other
little reasons
for hating myself for this
a hundred little setbacks
chipping away at my self-worth
but there could be a thousand and it still
wouldn't matter
they just don't add up
they just can't compare to
the ache in my face from laughing so hard
I can't breathe
the feel of her flesh under my hands
swallowing me
the look on her face when she comes
the tears in her eyes when she can't stop laughing at me
or the idiot smile
splitting my face like a knife wound

I wish I were wrong
but this just feels
too right