i’ll never be your
tall dark and handsome your
captain of the
football team your strong perfect
arms and scruffy unshaven
face i’ll never give you a  
six pack underneath an unbuttoned
dress shirt
because i can hardly
unbutton my shirt without
wanting to tear my chest into
shreds — tumors on my chest,
massive lumps of fat and
anger and wrongness,
i can give you those and
i can give you the hopeless
ugly honor of watching me
cry in bed because
being naked scares me
almost as much as  
never getting
rid of this.  
i am so toxic and so afraid
of smothering you.