I've never done this before.
Always judged those pathetic kids who thought pain would disappear the pain they felt inside.
But you can never walk through the same river twice.
Because everything's changed.

Now I'm staring at my face in the harsh light of the bathroom mirror
x acto blade in hand.

where

where

where

I've never done this before.

my thumb?
the finger that the others would be useless without
I could say it was from cutting tomatoes.
no.


my knee?
already scarred from kneeling on the ground
and those hideous warts I've been trying to get rid of.

my wrist?
no way.
            too noticeable.
                          too cliche.

ankle.
I hesitate.
I touch the x acto to my skin.
I press deeper.
nothings happening.
I slice down gently.
still nothing.

I've never done this before.

Finally, a little stream of blood appears along the fault line.
It doesn't really hurt.
It itches actually. I smile, which is really ironic considering my situation.
I was worried I wouldn't feel any better afterwards.
But strangely, I do.

I've never done this before.
I worry I'll do it again.