I once told a boy who fell in love with me at a young age,

To never drown himself in other people.

But lately, I’ve been doing a lot of that myself,

And it burns.

It hurts,

And that’s what I relish in.

Like *****, after four shots, numbing but still burning your throat enough to make you feel.

And maybe if I hurt him enough he will hurt me back,

Give me what I want.

For ******* once 

I just need him to hurt me back.

Make me feel something even if it’s only temporary,

Sometimes I don't know if I want him to hurt me physically or emotionally.

Both have been done before,

Both equally addictive.

Would we work better with his hand around my throat,

Or his words stabbing themselves into my heart.

Even after all this, he’s still in love with me,

Something I can’t. 

No, refuse to reciprocate. 

All while I'm drowning myself and he's trying to save me.