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Aug 2
How do I put into words the way you made me feel when you first started loving me?
The way you would say my name gave me butterflies,
It dripped off your tongue like honey,
How you understood all my tics and quirks like they were just a second language to you,

All my smiles were found in your eyes,
Alice through the looking glass,

You painted murals onto my skin and then proclaimed me to be holy,
You would say " us " as if it meant " amen ",
You spoke like a pastor,
And you looked at me like you were god,
You spoke vigorously,
You often spat out words a whole lot faster than your brain could process,
It was a sign of being a prodigy apparently,

I wished so hard for you to stop painting me with love in every line that you wrote,

I'd say your name over and over again just to see what shape it would make in my mouth,
What your name tasted like,
What you tasted like...

At the risk of sounding like a scratched vinyl,
I still love you,
I still love you,
I still love...
The way you made me feel,

You said that " you can't expect a sunset to admire you back ",
But how can the moon admire the sun when they were never meant to be,
Always passing each other by,

You always called me " your Icarus ",
Because despite being told I couldn't,
I would fly desperately towards my dreams,
Sometimes to my detriment,

I would call you " my sun ",
Not because you were too beautiful to even look at,
But because even when people warned me that my wings would melt if I flew towards you,
I didn't heed their warnings, so my wings dripped wax all down my back,
Scorched marks of waxy feathers seared into my burning skin.

There was forgiveness in every breath of you,
I was a mere mortal,
Who you saved from sin,
Allowing me to drink the holy nectar from your lips,
Letting me bathe in the sacred oils that pooled in the depths of your collarbone,
I needed someone to show me my place in all of this,
And there you were,

I spent a lot of time watching you and you spent a lot of time loving being watched.
You were the first red-wine¬-drinking, pretty-boy rocker in skinny jeans who'd ever carried me off of my feet,

I saw something in your eyes,
And I think you saw something in mine,

I cracked open my ribs and spilt my guts,
All for you,
I'd have followed you to the graveyard,
All you would have had to say was " please ",

You could make me feel like a giddy schoolgirl,
Whenever you said that you " loved me ",
You loved me for all my broken jigsaw pieces,
You loved me for all my flaws,

You gathered up all the shattered shards of my broken glass heart,
And helped me to sticky tape it back together again,
You gave me the space to open up,
And as we sat there,
Sifting through the memories,
I'd find an embarrassing one,
As soon as I'd show it to you,
You would say " I'd have done it too ",

It's 11:26 on a Monday night,
And I haven't stopped thinking about you since your mum said that you got a new boyfriend,
And I know that we separated on good terms,
And I know that I shouldn't be jealous,
And I know that I should just appreciate that you have someone who loves you,
I should just stop being so petty and just be happy for you,

But... I can't,
Can't stop picturing you with him,
Laughing at all his jokes,
Singing all the songs you used to sing to me,
Wrapping your arms around him in the same way you used to do with me,

You once told me that " whenever it rains, it aches ",
And I never understood that phrase until now,
It's nice to know that the sky cries too sometimes,

What went south with us?
The world used to be at our feet,
Now it feels as if someone has dropped it onto my shoulders,
When did " I love you " become an apology?

Whenever I'd start blabbering about something,
You would never get bored,
Just say that you " loved me ",
And flash me a smile,
A toothy, devilish Tiger's grin,

I could sit and watch you dance for days,
Your hips swaying like tidal waves,
Curving like mermaids tails,
The whole time we were together,
I was never really one for dancing,
To you, it was like redemption,
You said that music made you " feel alive ",

I don't know what it is but I miss them,
I think it was something in their eyes when I kissed them,

I always doubted religion,
But I found god in a field on a cold September night,

It took you over a year to say that you loved me,
Nevertheless, those words still tasted like holy water to me,
I spent the next week,
Churning those words over and over in my head,
Like clothes in a tumble drier,

Today I feel like all of the wedding dresses donated to charity shops,
Today I feel like a chest full of heartache,
And a mouthful of broken promises,

Your name was the only thing which made the alphabet matter to me,
Counting out the syllables of your name,
Like " Hail Marys "

Your body, spread-eagle across my mattress,
Like a motorway overpass,
The comforting hum of your breath,
Buried deep within your chest,
Like a subway train pulling into the station,
Your eyes, burnt-out neon signs,
You were my haven, sanctuary city,

We'd take long walks in the rain together,
Hiding your hands in oceans of pockets,
You were my tsunami,
You broke down all my walls,

Little did I know, you were about to start making " I love you " sound like a schoolyard chant.
B The Poet
Written by
B The Poet  15/Non-binary/my brain, where else?
(15/Non-binary/my brain, where else?)   
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