the words hit me
and now i can't understand my own native language.
you're leaving, so soon.
i fell for you,
and i should've known from the beginning that this wouldn't last
when you said your college was so far away.
i wish i could make you stay here with me, but that's selfish.
i know what you're going to do, and i wanna prevent it.
please don't say the words to me that will break me.
please don't hurt me.
please say it to me when i'm at home in my bed so i don't have to drive anywhere in tears, or face your family after sobbing.
please say it to me gently, so not to shatter any of the pieces of my heart left unbroken.
please say it with love, so i know you don't want to either.
but most of all
please only say it when i'm sleeping.
please only say it when i'm not around.
please only say it in my head.
please don't say it.
please don't do it.
please.
don't hurt me.

i just want to keep you, i don't know how.
i want to find some way to show you that i'm here no matter where we are on this planet.
i want you to feel the same way about me as i feel about you, i want you to think that it's worth the distance to be together.
i can make it work somehow, i know i can, i know it.
please just stay. please just stay. please don't go.

and when i go to your house now, i'll treat every time there like my last.
i'll look at all the nice little things i made for you, and the chair i sit in, and the blanket i cuddled with, and i'll drink my last peach tea at your house with a smile on my face.
in my heart i'll be screaming.
i'll say goodbye to all the memories we had, and the sweet moments that could have been.
i'll say goodbye to the place i would've admitted that i loved you if you had stayed.
i'll say goodbye to your dogs, to your sister, to your mom, your dad.
i'll say goodbye to your car, to the drive there, and the drive home. i'll say goodbye to the sun.
i'll say goodbye.

i don't know if i can go on without you in my life, as childish as it sounds.
i didn't think i was this attached to you.

right now i'm saying goodbye to the smell of you. i know that i won't be able to keep you around.

in my heart i know what you're going to do and i don't like it. aren't things supposed to be discussed as a couple before it's done? why is breaking up not one of those things? i can't just say no to you leaving me, even though i really want to.

you'll fall in love with someone in new york and she'll treat you so much better than i could've ever thought to do. you'll hold her like you hold me, and you'll tell her all the lovely things you tell me. you'll play with her hair, and massage her back, and make her feel loved and important like you do to me. but she'll do more for you.

i don't even want to think about you with someone else. even if it means you're happy. i'm so selfish. i want you to be happy, but i want you to be with me.

i know that in order for you to be happy you may want to be single, and that's okay. i won't make you stay if you don't want to. i wish i could convince you to stay. i wish i could keep you.

in case this is the end, i'll document the things i loved the most during our time together.

the day we got together. not only did we celebrate beltane together but you asked me to be your girlfriend on my favorite holiday.

when you said "i love everything about you". i think you didn't mean to say it, but you did.

hearing you tell your friends i'm amazing.

the day you held me while i was panicking and reminded me that it's okay, and kept me close until i was okay again.

everytime you made me something.

the day we painted the aang sculptures together.

every single time you called me beautiful. every one.

when you rode with me in the car for the first time.

the first time we kissed.

when you told me "i like you a lot, more than like" (your own little hint at loving me)

every "i'm so proud of you".

when you wore my shirt, even though it looked so silly!

every time you asked me to tell you when i made it home so you knew i was safe.



you taught me to love myself, to get the help that i needed for so long, that my trauma doesn't define me. you taught me to be proud even if everyone else ignores me. you taught me to be strong. you taught me that everyday is a reason to smile. you showed me that there is more to life than the past, you taught me to go with the flow.

i will miss you.
and i'm sorry i wasn't enough.