Have you ever had to break down every aspect of your life?
Questioning everything you have learnt and known to be true?
Asking yourself if all you've known is really so,
And if you dare to change it?
I have.
I dare to change.
I dare to embark on this journey
To pull myself apart and fashion myself anew
Breaking down every part of my being
My mind
My body
And whatever soul there is left
To rebuild something I will be pleased with
Down to a new name
Gone forever will be the girl of my childhood
Full of hopes, dreams and fantasies
Forget to grow up again
Because I don't have to
This new person will already know
Pain, suffering, entrapment
The force of social expectations and judgement
For he will know this from the moment of birth
For they do not forget the past
They cling onto what was
Like their life depends on it
He on the other hand depends on the change
His life ebbs away with every passing second
Drowned out by the fear of what may come
I must let go of her
Because it is her that hurts
Knowing she is not what she is
Knowing that she is he and he is her
His life depends on her death
Have the strength to let her go
She was gone a long time ago.

Ah, how confusing it is
To long to let go of everything I was
Everything I once almost grasped

Internal conflicts fight wars inside
Sometimes he is subdued and locked away for his own safety
At times he can reign
Powerless and defeated by his own body
The sickness longing for eradication

She cuts her skin
Wondering how deep she can go before she is freed
Knowing once gone
He must bare her scars
Oh, how many scars there are.

Like a restless tiger
He lashes out at the bars
Cursing at those looking inwards
Hiding from the lights shined into his eyes
Are you ok?
No we are not
Dreaming nothing but freedom from a cage of flesh and bone
Waiting for that day that never comes

What god would make them suffer so?
What god would ever incorporate such inner turmoil?
Abandoned by humanity
Abandoned by your spiritual leader
Who could ever stand by me
When I am not me in all but my mind?
My mind is no safe haven either
It is there that the terrors grow and multiply
Haunting every sleeping hour
Brooding over every waking moment
If there is so much visible destruction
What could have possibly survived within?

I know I am not who I am
But I know who I am
And I am not what I should be

At least the sting of the blade takes it away
It quells the conflicts for a time
And silences the horrors inside for a brief moment
One day I can throw it away
One day it will all be settled
Until then I must cope however I can
Destroying myself slowly
I will be left in pieces
Or I will be left as nothing

In fragments or as nothing
Anything is worth safety in my own mind