I cannot pretend to be cool.
They all see it, they laugh at me for being a fool
and I sit there devastated, that my face is ripped apart.
I feel weak, quite. I can't stand it.
My heart pumps only if eyes are on me, but it splits
when the eyes cast on me poison green.
I *****? I am disgusting.
A fool, I am a fool.
I disgust myself and everyone,
when I go outside, trees twist just to look away.
God, what have you done?
Does it matter? It doesn't turn me any wiser.
Burn my guilt, but do not make me rise
and glow the same red for eternity.
Do not make me a Phoenix, I will only have the same feathers and claws.
Every time I die, turn me to something new.
If I die with fire, then raise me in waters.
If I die in the mountains, then form me in the clouds.
If I die with claws, then give me flippers.
If I die a snake then make me a cow.
If I die with glory, house my new childhood in shame.
Do not give me the same mistakes.
I do not deserve thoughts, they only spit lies and defilement.
Do not bring the gods into this
They already know, they have seen this even before my birth,
failure or not, I wish to not see their divine lens
on my life, I shall be afraid.
Shame on me, I loath myself on every occasion
that I thought to myself as improving
but the only thing refined
are the lies I tell myself.