I've not been able to write
and maybe that's because I've been happy
but lately I've been wanting to curl up
and stay there forever
letting my hurt escape from my eyes.
I've missed you.
But anyone I tell that to laughs at me because they assume I have no right to.
As far as they know you are with your mom
without your phone
but I know more.
I know you are trying to get better
or at least I know that's what your mom wants.
Who knows what you'll be like when you get home
and part of me doesn't want to know
but every time my phone rings and it's not you my heart breaks
but it wont be you
it wont be you for a while
and I know that
so why am I crumbling under the pressure?
Why cant I be eternally happy that you are alive?
am I such a selfish person that I need you on standby 24/7?
Just because I am for you?
That's a choice
I choose to be there for you
always
hoping that you'll return the favor.
sometimes you do
but that's getting few and far between.
I find myself reading old texts to try to fill the place you didn't know you left.
this is the longest I've gone without talking to you
and I don't know how much longer I can do it
I'm grasping at straws of old friends
that I haven't confided in for months
just to feel some sort of love
because
little did I know
the majority of that in my life was coming from you.
You love me the best out of anyone who ever has
and
because of that I will stand by you in the way I can.
I am willing to change my life for you
but who knows when you will decided
that seeing me just makes you think of an unhappy part of your life
and your a good guy
you wont tell me until it ruins us.
the only scenarios that run through my head anymore
are ways we could lose each other
but mostly how I could lose you
because everyone knows
you'll never lose me.