there's a reason why the hope and joy
does not befall my face anymore
when I think of a time
of turkey and gatherings.
surely, the autumn breeze
the chill of winter slowly
creeping
into the calendar
excites my spine.

there is, however
a darkness
a shadow of a memory
that belongs to this festivity
that I simply cannot let go.

it started out pretty rough to begin with,
the forbidden romance
between a boy
and his future life
a simple girl
shy,
sweet
with a dark past
and yet
he would still make her his wife.

the girl,
once tranquil
once free,
sent back home
after the anxiety of being lost
trapped
scared beyond compare
in the big city,
back to the home she once knew
a house of love and family,
with control
with tyranny and hypocrisy in the brew.

the day carried on,
able to eat to her content
laughs were shared
she could smell the liquor upon her father's breath
down,
down another glass, she drank
until the time would pass
but not enough alcohol
nor pills
nor mental drills in the world could prepare
for what her father would ask.

his question uttered slowly and divine
had been if she and the boy intertwined
her answer, no, with another glass of wine
a slight smile and nod help her troubles go away
until her heart sank,
mind went blank
her eyes filled with tears that had to disappear
when his words poured out that filled her with rage.

everything went blank,
her mind in default.
it was as though she was no longer her own,
but running like a machine
like the little doll
in the grand scheme
of the household where her life began.
everything in me wanted to die,
to run from the table
to curl up and cry
hearing the words
from father's intoxicated breath
screeched an internal scream
wishing
dreaming
hoping for instant escapism,
death.

later that night,
with a paper and pen
tears streaming down
like rivers without bends
I wrote a letter
a confession
pouring my heart out to daddy dearest
making it clear
that it would never be sent.
I curled up in my room,
letting the darkness seep through,
hours passing by
as I simply opened up my mind
and welcomed the depression.