I wish I knew.
Had I known before it happened,
I would’ve slowed down time.
I would’ve spent more hours kissing you.
I would’ve spent more time memorizing your face.
I would’ve spent more seconds holding your hands.
I would’ve spent more days wrapped up in my bed, that had become ours, lazily in your arms.
I would’ve lost hours of sleep to listen to your heartbeat.
I would’ve looked into your ocean eyes longer.
I would’ve brought you more places, made more memories.
I would’ve spent more time laughing, less time mad.
I would’ve spent more days smiling, less days sad.
I would’ve held you longer, loved you harder, been happier.
I would’ve made us work.
I would’ve loved you better.
Had I known the downfall was coming,
maybe I could’ve stopped it.
maybe I could’ve stopped time, where we stood and clung to you.
maybe I could’ve changed the outcome.
Little did I know the sad days only get sadder, the mad days only get longer.
And all I am clung to is the memory of what once was. And the ideas of what could be.
There are no could or would be’s where are now.
Where are we now?
The longing looks, the soft, romantic touches, the silent begging of more time together.
The love we make while we have the time to make it.
The secrets, the lies, the deception.
The angry words, the soft sorrow that follows.
We are not where we could be, or would be.
We are not where we’d like.
The universe cries, I cry harder.
The sky cringes when the door shuts; all the shame behind my bedroom door.
The nearly inaudible “i love you”s, shared between two secret lovers, who were not so secret months ago.
Hidden love, hidden anger, hidden regret.
Why are we here now?
I could’ve, I would’ve, made it last, had I known- but there’s no could or would, there’s only now.