You know, I’ve lied to myself. I’ve said every day, someday, someday your wish will be fulfilled and you’ll retrieve everything you’ve ever wanted. But here’s the reality, and oh, how much I loathe it. I’m not anywhere near where I want to be. I’m so far away, it is agenizing to sit here and just know that my heart may have this gaping hole for all eternity. It is just crazy to want something so intensely, that you start to believe you’ve gone completely insane, and I do so feel it! What does this mean? Does it mean that I am in fact insane? Or am I just falling in love with my fantasies?

There are days when I wake up, and I’m so confident! This is your day, this is your time, nobody not anybody can ruin it. BOOM! The curtain closes, end credits, it’s done, over, you’re immediately brought back down where you originally came from. I try, too. No, I don’t give up. I guess hope is what I’m gambling with. Hope can bring so much excitement, yet so much disappointment. When I see right in front of me something that makes me want to combust inside, I don’t want to lose that hope, because I rely on it.

It takes nearly all of me to get through something this complicated. Take love for example-hell I don’t know what the **** that is. Ask me about love and I’ll just respond, “Hearts and cuddles, kisses and snuggles.” I have no idea what love really means or even feels like. But lust, oh yeah I know exactly what that is. Love and lust battle one another. Oh, you love me? No, you lust me. Love I’m guessing has no real meaning, but a feeling. You probably can’t describe it, and maybe that’s why nobody really knows what it is until they experience it.

Lust, I’d say is 99% of what we feel towards another person. It is a fog, it’s there for a little while, then it is all gone. It’s a lie, it’s not love. It manipulates you, it is ecstasy, but it is also hell. When you say to me that you love me, I by no means can believe it. You lust me. You like me. You have interests, but it won’t last. And when that fog of lust surpasses, all of it is consumed and forever nonexistent. So if I was to allow lustful feelings to blindfold me, I’d only be leading myself into a heartbreak. I’d be lying to myself like I have been lately.

I say to myself, self, you are not in love, you are in lust. You don’t know what you’re doing. It is possible you are right, but you cannot ignore the possibility that you may be wrong. Don’t stop dreaming, but don’t allow the fog to trap you. Life is a maze, and you have no map. You’ll never know what’s lurking in the shadows, but what you do know is that you provide your own light, and with your luminescence, you will get to your destination safe and sound.

So stop lying to yourselves. Don’t give up hoping, but do try to see through your lustful ways. Dreams are not just for sleeping, you have all the power within you to make them real. Of course it’s difficult, life is a puzzle. So what are you doing just sitting here? Go and search for those pieces, and work hard to fit them together. No amount of hope is going to make your dreams come true alone, you have to partake in some effort or it’s just lusting all over again.