Buried underneath ***** clothes,
Im rotting away like the half eaten food
I somehow managed to get up and make
some weeks ago when the sunshine
didn't scare me half as much as today.
Embarrassed of the state of me,
i clean up nice when friends call and ask
for me to come out and play,
and for the first time in days i go outside
and feel the breeze on my pale and oily skin.
In the strongest attempts at hiding
my easy-read
children's pop up book of expressions
that even the blind can interpret,
I manage to force a smile,
the same one I've practiced in every mirror
for the past 5 years;
A smile so big that even i think its genuine.
Not a single soul sees past this,
not my friends nor mother or brother.
But somehow,
maybe because of the countless hours spent with him,
maybe because my cheeks get tired and i give in,
he knows of my charade,
see's i have no sense of direction but downwards,
and gives me a weak grin;
The one you give a child
when he asks if his goldfish will wake up,
or if daddy will ever get better.
We know its a waiting game
for my imminent implosion,
the ticking time bomb buried within my mind,
set to self destruct at the next pull of a trigger.
Accidental or not,
now or later,
my come down will be our last;
A commitment till the end.