i am still awake
as i have been this late
for nearly a month
thoughts swarm in my head
like flies on a carcass

i think about the ex that i hate
her lips as sweet
as her heart was vile
i think about the abuse
the belittlement, the taunts

i think about the last time i went on a date
how long ago it was
how much fun i had
how much i wish i could change
how much i wish i could go back to

i think about love
about ***, and romance
how im not sure i can tell
what love actual is, or if I've ever really felt it

i think about myself
how im scared of coming out
how i sometimes wish i could go back and forget
how every time i get better
i get sad about something different