i've painted the cradle of an *** to sit on:
a garden bench...
i went with her for groceries -
we did it in a spectacular time: under 2hs...

ciul: which is a silesian word...
it's pan-germanic and it's... like welsh:
if there's velsh...
           because we would be inclinded to
talk about: sub-groups...
       gvara: talk...

ciul: it's a blunt word... it's not a ******
word...
                has any son ever been
a source of pride of a mother?
             i do wonder what the ****** mary...
would have to say...
oh i'm sure she's simply
"puzzled" by the final stance...
         'no matter mother... unless i be
crucified'... because a belief in
the "ultimate cuck-warrior of silence"
via joseph...

too much... too much...
but i sat through her homeschooling...
we studied the operas today...
from gloriana... through aida...
madame butterfly... turandot...
tosca... carmen... and of course: norma...

maria callas...
            when my grandmother has these
bouts of my mother drinking gin...
i must be the most... obscure "citizen"...
but i swear i wouldn't put someone
to the torture of opera...

        like it was a lesson...
hardly... because i don't remember
that she asked about... la traviata...
of course i made the sort of mistake that's
most associated with...
playing a *** note on piano:
how dare i not recognize the voice
of pavarotti?! how dare i?!

father was sitting with us... for a while...
he clearly was attuned to my torture...
do good: a woman scolds...
do bad: she might as well applaud...
unless: it's not bad enough...

so he went up while i smoked a cigarette...
took a shower... climbed into bed...
coming up to 34...
and as i walk the streets i see them too...
i'm guessing hovering on the circa
plot of 39... third child in the "bargain"...

yes... but what of all those...
and me: shuffling in the shadow of "failures"...
whimsical contest... as much...
of course... by now i wouldn't be
sharing a flat with...
a drug dealer that would get his "details"
from a university hospital...
or the likes...
i'd be either settled... or hanging...

on the "way forward" or...
in that 20+ year ping-pong between:
"the native land"... to go back...
back to a 20 year hiatus?
          no wonder i stopped giving myself
the thrills over horror movies...
somehow the romance started
to trickle through...

a study of opera with a mother...
who... wants to study all the operas...
but not... la traviata!
she's drinking her subtle gin...
my father can't make out whether
it's a lobster being poached
or a fish being gutted... being excused
from drowning when gasping for air...

mothers... with a mother like that...
oh... i would most certainly bet on
a poker-hand of a wife and mother-in-law...
yes... i'm running from this home
as fast as i can: into the forest...
under the bridge... into the gutter...
into... "adventure"!

- thanks be given to where thanks are due...
if only my name was: Norman...
perhaps i could get away with hiding
a clown... and a circus...
perhaps i could live a duality...
and have... a string of failed animal
experiments to boot...
like pouring salt on slugs...
one of my ex's said that with glee...
like that one time i saw these two boys
smear frogs with lipsticks before
setting light to them...

           an oyster for a heart...
a brain for a sponge...
      sometimes i don't think sanity is anything:
beside the stage-fright of actors
before they step on the west end stage and...
hey presto?!

      of life i have only known one constant:
the insistance to capture every instance
ex-,
             out from every and back... folded...
into none...
and then repeated...
          
     somewhere far away:
                  there's an escape pod with fiction:
scribbled on it... hardly unlikely...
      perhaps these old relations were alway so:
this supposed in-breeding anti-cosmopolitanism
and -ism global -ism...
in check ran the lineage:
with the martriarch or the partriarch...
the uncles and aunts...
        perhaps even the neighbours...
    
                        once upon a time...
so much for looking for alien life-forms...
      such eyes piercing this veil...
brought back... a stipend for unearthing more and
more alien aspects of our own ontology...
plato and the shadow theatre of a t.v.:
cave perhaps a home...

                 what a simpler lesson to be learned
from simply being beat...
or kept on a leash... in a darkened corner...
perhaps simpler...
              all this intricacy for "detail"...
for being: less pedestrian...
      or whatever the hell would suffice...
to have to move the hands...
as if one were a ****** conductor:
in... "appreciation" of classical music?
                    
          will not tears suffice?
                can i sometime cry at beauty...
notably: melody entombed?

'i'm a citizen of the world' never said any
classical greek man...
the nation and the diaspora...
        or rather...
playing ping-pong between england
and scotland and poland: for...
a better count of 26 years...

         from under the iron curtain:
to be subsequently thrown under
a silicon veil...
                    rummaging on a bad idea...
and then: watching this idea
migrate and... somehow:
for the sake of all of europe:
these abortion testimonies from poland
are shelling us back toward
the stone ages...

    excused if (a) ******...
              (b) ****... fingers-crossed...
(c) the life of the mother is stressed
as the imperative...
       (d) that the catholic church can
profit...
       what christianity would be like...
if... what islam would be like...
unless in eastern europe...
      the baptism of poland happened
in 966...
        islam emerged in circa 600s...
        
                       and lithuania was still
a pagan kingdom...
        until 1387...
                    the battle of grunwald took place
in 1410...
         the fourth crusade... and how barbarossa
never made it to jerusalem and was
mistook for a great big pickle...
   and... for the better use of christian steel...
the muslims were too powerful
and there was no need for a scapegoat
of europe: back then... what a tiny place...

and of course the mongols and their leftovers
in the crimean peninsula: that tartar steak
that tartare sauce...
            that tartar deep-fried dumpling:
   czebureki (чeбурeкі)...

welcome... an inward... therefore "backward"
looking people...
how confusing... inward implying:
reflective without a reflex of change... etc.
   "backward": a return to / perhaps even
not closely associated with 'from'...

"from" the brgain ****** of burroughs shooting
up a dotted line and ditto:         "                   "
cans of paint-thinner bullets onto a canvas....
and somehow coming up with the cipher:
Tangier...

      somehow better to be strapped to a world
that is always: looking away...
a cindarella: a somewhat distant cousin:
excuse being "victim":
it would take both **** germany
and communist russia...
and still it would take about the same
amount of time to quench the so desired
freedom of the fwench...

ping-pong and somehow,
not a lot of Dickens...
           if only these words were
the worth of the words made into an "item"
for an editor... or a journalistic sludge
of... cheap ***** and bourbon...
and... oh god... memory: should these
be words of testimony...
         a very fine, fine... vanity project...
bad ideas on toothpicks while
all the sophists walk on stilts!

          that mention of: 'he('s) about to convert!
weielding etymology!'
           the WWII fight between saxon
and bavarian cousins... the mass graves...
the somehow slight praise of elevating
the sombre loot... when a sparrow would grace
the pits... a sparrow...
nothing more... no great parting
of the red sea... no... plagues to the count of 10...
just a sparrow...
the crow was writing with the ink
letover from the *****-juices of a plucked
'un from the lore one...

but the sparrow... just a brief hope
for the power of man's industry of imagination:
a figment: a phantom!
that it almost feels right:
feeding the lie...
when god "created" the octopus:
(i.e.) gambled drunk and blind...
man would have the sparrow as his...
choice: for a synonym of soul...
and that when god was: gambling drunk and blind...
man was... "somehow" sober...
and petulant in prayer...
            and counter to being petulant in prayer:
very much concerned with seriousness...
and hierarchies...
that man was somehow sober...
and dancing when he walked... on the "sly"...

you too care for the measured step?
i too care for it... very much so...
a sparrow is its own...
it doesn't the depth of a god's squid...
nor the privacy of man's adventure when...
baking bread...
a sparrow is a sparrow is a sparrow:
and the crow... is but the elder...
sribble-meister!
a crow's beak would touch wood...
knock knock would ensue...
a crow's beak would touch stone:
an earthquake!

                           and so it was written...
but a sparrow?
                 what was given unto gabriel
and subsequently unto muhammad...
               can you... please... recite me...
the quran over a mass grave of german soldiers
from world war I near Ypres?
but the reality is... comes a sparrow...
once a year... and sings...
and therefore plucks one soul up from
that ground... that ground of communal
fermentation...

that's it... i have not hunger to write any more.