You say you love me but the harsh gritting tone in your voice says otherwise
The way you make it so that I am apologetic for the things you have done, the things you have said to me that make it hard for me to sleep at night
You keep me up overthinking and overanalysing
I wish it was you who kept me up in other ways though
You who kept me up by speaking so much your cheeks hurt, and mine hurt too, from smiling so hard
That's one thing you always had the ability to do, make me smile
I wish you kept me up by whispering your sweet nothings into my ears and by putting your hands where all hands shouldn't be, where all hands could not be
No hands but yours
-
If I'm completely honest, there's no hands other than yours that I would want to touch me, caress me and feel the cracks beneath my skin, other than yours
You see that was it, I only left myself open to you
Open to all possibilities of you one day maybe loving me
Loving me like I did you,
Who was I kidding?
Maybe it was you who didn't deserve to love me
Not me who didn't deserved to be loved
How could it be any other way?
How could it have been that I put my heart on the line, time and time again, for you
That I opened up my mind, to you, even allowed you to touch me, get to know parts of my body that I myself didn't even know,
for you to just act like I was nothing
To act like it meant nothing
Like we were nothing...
How could that have been so?
You see, I used to think that maybe it was I, I who wasn't deserving, maybe I gave you too much, too soon
Maybe I didn't consider you enough, consider whether you were even ready to be loved in such a way
To be loved in such a way which makes you feel like you're going home every single time
Maybe it was me who did that
Made you so resentful, angry and bitter;
Resentful of my love
Angry that you could not have given me the same, bitter that I beat you to it?
No, that can't have been it
Love doesn't do that to a person, so it takes me back...
Back to you, back to you just not loving me, back to me just not being lovable, lovable for you at least
Maybe it's a good thing, a good thing that you didn't love me, maybe if I had felt your love I would have been too deep in
Deeper than I am now, and I can't possibly imagine
Sinking
Any
Deeper.