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Apr 2020
I have manic days when everything is okay.
My life's finally on track.
I wake up smiling, at ease, my brain is finally on my side for once.
I look in the mirror and I see in the reflection every kind thing anyone has ever said about me.
My eyes are so stunning, my skin, radiant and alive, a smile that could take anyone's pain and replace it with hope.
You are kind, you're strong, you're so ******* brave.
My skin glows as if it's never been dimmed by the shadows.
My pride swells and burst out of my smile as if I've never known shame.
Repeat after me:
I'm happy. I'm so ******* happy.

And then I leave the bathroom and that person left me just like the last.
I lay back down and my bed screams secrets loader than the neighbors that hear them.
I try again.
I shower, I brush my teeth, I curl my hair, I fix my face.
Surely this will give the illusion that I'm okay, that I'm happy, that I didn't just use my tears to lather the soap, that my flesh isn't a auditorium for my problems, and that i am as strong if not stronger than the depression that seeps through my poors and into my bloodstream.
That I'm not just some broken little girl searching for glue in a house of water, That I am more than a museum of every guy who's pried between these thighs, That I have more to offer than "maybe a 6" on a good day.

So I get dressed.
I put in my contacts and I put on my rings, i go outside, I smoke a cigarette,
I breath the toxicity in, and let ..some of it out.
I wonder to myself if this is all okay, if I'm okay, if I'll ever be okay.
I manage to strike up a plea bargain with myself.
one time use, just for the day.
If you need to cry again, go,
But cry hard, hard enough to break down these ******* walls of self doubt.
If you need to scream, scream, but scream so loud that there's no room for other voices.
But if you need to smile, baby girl you smile.
Let it be the smile that takes your pain and turns it into hope.
Let it brighten up your life like Armageddon, and you ******* run with it.
You're aloud to smile.
You're aloud to cry, to scream, to hurt.
But you can be happy.
kyla goodson
Written by
kyla goodson  28/F/Oregon
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