Feb 2020
Isaiah,
Back when you asked me about us writing letters to each other, I fell in love with the idea. I didn't think that anyone would ever believe in me and believe in a relationship with us together like you did.
Also, upon the therapy that I'm newly in love with and learning from... I've been told and taught that trauma is physical. This is why when I get sad and when I fall down that "deep dark hole" or whatever one may call it, it physically hurts. With trauma being physical, this means that typing, or writing, or drawing about your emotions is quite literally therapy even though sometimes it just may feel like it. This is why we should all write letters and write poetry and express ourselves through art whether it be good or bad or what we wanted or didn't.
So now comes the hard part. Me writing a letter to you, that I'll send, and maybe never get a response back. But at least I know that I tried. I know that I had sent you a text as my "last go" or rather my "last try", whatever one would call it. But it doesn't feel right in me. I think this is because I know that I'm still holding back, and even if you don't want to hear it, or read it, I know that there are more things I want to say or I wanted to say.
It makes me feel sick to know that I won't be with you again, (it is honestly very hard for me to believe it, which isn't fair to you.) and when I messaged you back around Christmas, the last thing I wanted was for you to become upset with me or feel that I was making you feel bad about yourself, or make you feel like a **** boy or whatever it all came down to. I should have always been open and honest with you, even if sometimes it was something you didn't want to hear. But that was always my biggest fear, was hurting my boy. My Isaiah. The times that I bawled in my bed and couldn't tell you what was going on. I was thinking that I don't want you to worry, I don't want you to ever feel bad... And I know that if I told you of things that happened in my life, and why I decided I needed to go to therapy, that you would be sad, and that you would worry.
But aside from all the "woe is me" things I just said. What I didn't say before is why you're no longer my Isaiah. Weird to admit it and type it. Isaiah does not want to be with you. He is no longer yours. He will not be again.... So sad. But wow! How lucky I was to have him. I'm sorry that I held back in telling you that I loved you, like really telling you that I loved you. I'm sorry I was too afraid to write you the letter about how much I loved you before I left. Because in my head, I thought, if I write this letter I will open up much further than I expected, and if we come apart, then I will have done all of this painful opening only to close myself up again.
I'm sorry that when you were in NY I made you chase after me a little... or... a lot. Truth? I was mad at you! I wanted to stay mad at you. Because if I let you back in, and I let you have me after breaking my heart, I feel weak. I let someone step on me and then pick me up and kiss me after. The idea of letting you back in after all of that was almost like me turning my back on myself and my morals.
But sometimes I pretend that you didn't leave. I pretend that if/when you ever come here then its going to be in love in New York again. That I will have my person back here. That I won't be alone in this life again. Because before I met you I didn't think there would ever be someone who was willing to understand me and listen and talk to. No one who understood pain. No one who would be soft but strong and funny yet serious and willing to learn yet stuck their ground. I think you were my last chance at figuring it out Isaiah. Like wow! This part of my life is set!! I found my love and now I will never have to worry ever again, because we will have each other.
I should have been kinder to you, and I should have listened to you more. I was so worried I was going to come out here and flop, that I put this wonderful idea of us on the back burner, because I assumed that we would be ok no matter what. Oddly enough, I still think that way, and that is why I need to write and remind myself that we are not a we anymore.
I didn't nurture us enough. I didn't take the time because I was afraid of putting work into something that was too hard to facilitate. I was afraid that if I was dating someone all the way in WI that he might just want to stay there, and this fairytale would be no longer. I was afraid that you weren't ready to grow with me, and that we would only spread further apart with time. Not saying that you haven't grown a lot. I honestly don't know what you've been up to. I stalk your twitter enough to know you had a date, and boy did that make me want to PUKE let me tell you. No one will ever be good enough for you in my eyes. Not even me honestly. But you've grown, and I wish I could see it. I wish I could see you. I wish I wouldn't have underestimated you, and I wish I would have been more worried about making sure we were together rather than being worried about us being on the same path. I was mothering you. It was so weird. I don't know exactly why I did it. Because I was afraid if I didn't keep an eye on you that you would never get here? That I came all this way and left you and we'll never be together again? It made my head feel more normal to think that the sooner Isaiah gets here the better, and then I'll know that this was all worth it, because at least I'll have him and we'll be here. But obviously, all of that didn't happen, because we aren't together anymore. So I put myself out on an island, and separated my heart and my brain from any emotions I had for you, and tucked them away, so it wouldn't hurt anymore. I still haven't grieved about it. Every time I want to cry about you I just stare into space. Like I literally won't even let myself feel it! **** !!
But.. as you know.. even after we broke up, I had to see you, and talk to you, and FT you or whatever. I wanted to tell you about my life. I wanted to tell you I loved you but I can't do that. I can't tell someone I love them when I'm no longer with them. That would be pain. So my "love language" or whatever it may be was. Hey! I did this today ! I want to tell you about my life because I want you to understand that I want you to be involved. But I can't tell you that I want you to be my boyfriend again, because that's not how this works! Because that already finished! So I'm going to try to speak to you as long as I can, and then maybe one day we'll decide that we've grown a little, and we can give it a try again.
But, because I communicated in a very "dance around the subject" type of way, that upset you. You might have felt like I was just stringing you along, and that is not what I wanted to do at all. I am so sorry for that. You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen and I just could bare to really say goodbye.
I know this is all long winded, and I know that you may never actually read this. But I want you to know that if I could go back in time, I wish I would have just ******* said it. Said all of it. Really opened up to the one I love, with my fears and all, and I think that maybe we could have figured it out.
In those last hours, or moments, or whatever it was of me and you just chatting about whatever the **** it was in my room. I was so content. I didn't feel like I was in NYC or Milwaukee, or really anywhere. I just knew I was with you and I knew I wanted to be there in that moment. And in this moment, I know that I still want to be in a place with you like that again.
I'm not religious. But I do believe in something. I think that in my dreams I'll see you, or maybe one day when we're older we'll bump into each other on the train like love is in the movies. Because that's what it was like with us... Things just happened and then it was perfect. Maybe that will never happen, but I just need to know that I tried, like REALLy did everything I could. Maybe not then, but at least I can send you a ******* long *** wordy letter now...
Speaking on all of this again is extra? Yes. Obsessive ? Maybe. Too much? Definitely. But this is my most authentic self. Is telling you all the things, even if I'm scared shitless to write it. I want to be me more. I want to not hold back because I only have one life.
So, with all that... In order to live by my truth, I need you to know that I love you. I love you forever. I will be in love with you forever. You are the most handsome and kind, genuine, loyal, fierce, passionate, hardworking, cutie pie I've ever met. I regret it all, and I wish that you were here. Every time I have kissed someone (I'm sorry if that makes you sad to hear) BUT, every time I have kissed someone, the first thing I remember are your lips, and I know that I haven't moved on, and it will be a long time until then.
I'm sorry for all of the hurtful things I've said. I'm sorry for the tweets. A lot of that anger and sassy and straight up rude-ness is coming from me being frustrated with my own emotions, and not coming by them honestly. So, in order to do so, I need to be honest straight up, and that means honest with you.
I'm sorry if this is all too much and I'm sorry if it bothered you. None of that was my intention. I just wanted to tell you the truth.
When I think of my future I think of you. I don't know how it will happen, but I hope that being truthful will send some better karma my way.
I love you forever and ever. Even if you're upset with me until the ends of the time, please don't forget how easy it all was when it was easy. Please don't forget that I will be your ride or die forever, that I will always be there to protect and care for you if I can, and please don't ever ever ever forget the first date. I never thought anything could be so easy until you came along.
I love you Isaiah. I never stopped. If I could have one wish, its that we could just give it one more try. I just want to relive those months with you over and over. You are a dream.
Love,
Shauna
Back when you asked me about us writing letters to each other, I fell in love with the idea. I didn't think that anyone would ever believe in me and believe in a relationship with us together like you did.
Also, upon the therapy that I'm newly in love with and learning from... I've been told and taught that trauma is physical. This is why when I get sad and when I fall down that "deep dark hole" or whatever one may call it, it physically hurts. With trauma being physical, this means that typing, or writing, or drawing about your emotions is quite literally therapy even though sometimes it just may feel like it. This is why we should all write letters and write poetry and express ourselves through art whether it be good or bad or what we wanted or didn't.
So now comes the hard part. Me writing a letter to you, that I'll send, and maybe never get a response back. But at least I know that I tried. I know that I had sent you a text as my "last go" or rather my "last try", whatever one would call it. But it doesn't feel right in me. I think this is because I know that I'm still holding back, and even if you don't want to hear it, or read it, I know that there are more things I want to say or I wanted to say.
It makes me feel sick to know that I won't be with you again, (it is honestly very hard for me to believe it, which isn't fair to you.) and when I messaged you back around Christmas, the last thing I wanted was for you to become upset with me or feel that I was making you feel bad about yourself, or make you feel like a **** boy or whatever it all came down to. I should have always been open and honest with you, even if sometimes it was something you didn't want to hear. But that was always my biggest fear, was hurting my boy. My Isaiah. The times that I bawled in my bed and couldn't tell you what was going on. I was thinking that I don't want you to worry, I don't want you to ever feel bad... And I know that if I told you of things that happened in my life, and why I decided I needed to go to therapy, that you would be sad, and that you would worry.
But aside from all the "woe is me" things I just said. What I didn't say before is why you're no longer my Isaiah. Weird to admit it and type it. Isaiah does not want to be with you. He is no longer yours. He will not be again.... So sad. But wow! How lucky I was to have him. I'm sorry that I held back in telling you that I loved you, like really telling you that I loved you. I'm sorry I was too afraid to write you the letter about how much I loved you before I left. Because in my head, I thought, if I write this letter I will open up much further than I expected, and if we come apart, then I will have done all of this painful opening only to close myself up again.
I'm sorry that when you were in NY I made you chase after me a little... or... a lot. Truth? I was mad at you! I wanted to stay mad at you. Because if I let you back in, and I let you have me after breaking my heart, I feel weak. I let someone step on me and then pick me up and kiss me after. The idea of letting you back in after all of that was almost like me turning my back on myself and my morals.
But sometimes I pretend that you didn't leave. I pretend that if/when you ever come here then its going to be in love in New York again. That I will have my person back here. That I won't be alone in this life again. Because before I met you I didn't think there would ever be someone who was willing to understand me and listen and talk to. No one who understood pain. No one who would be soft but strong and funny yet serious and willing to learn yet stuck their ground. I think you were my last chance at figuring it out Isaiah. Like wow! This part of my life is set!! I found my love and now I will never have to worry ever again, because we will have each other.
I should have been kinder to you, and I should have listened to you more. I was so worried I was going to come out here and flop, that I put this wonderful idea of us on the back burner, because I assumed that we would be ok no matter what. Oddly enough, I still think that way, and that is why I need to write and remind myself that we are not a we anymore.
I didn't nurture us enough. I didn't take the time because I was afraid of putting work into something that was too hard to facilitate. I was afraid that if I was dating someone all the way in WI that he might just want to stay there, and this fairytale would be no longer. I was afraid that you weren't ready to grow with me, and that we would only spread further apart with time. Not saying that you haven't grown a lot. I honestly don't know what you've been up to. I stalk your twitter enough to know you had a date, and boy did that make me want to PUKE let me tell you. No one will ever be good enough for you in my eyes. Not even me honestly. But you've grown, and I wish I could see it. I wish I could see you. I wish I wouldn't have underestimated you, and I wish I would have been more worried about making sure we were together rather than being worried about us being on the same path. I was mothering you. It was so weird. I don't know exactly why I did it. Because I was afraid if I didn't keep an eye on you that you would never get here? That I came all this way and left you and we'll never be together again? It made my head feel more normal to think that the sooner Isaiah gets here the better, and then I'll know that this was all worth it, because at least I'll have him and we'll be here. But obviously, all of that didn't happen, because we aren't together anymore. So I put myself out on an island, and separated my heart and my brain from any emotions I had for you, and tucked them away, so it wouldn't hurt anymore. I still haven't grieved about it. Every time I want to cry about you I just stare into space. Like I literally won't even let myself feel it! **** !!
But.. as you know.. even after we broke up, I had to see you, and talk to you, and FT you or whatever. I wanted to tell you about my life. I wanted to tell you I loved you but I can't do that. I can't tell someone I love them when I'm no longer with them. That would be pain. So my "love language" or whatever it may be was. Hey! I did this today ! I want to tell you about my life because I want you to understand that I want you to be involved. But I can't tell you that I want you to be my boyfriend again, because that's not how this works! Because that already finished! So I'm going to try to speak to you as long as I can, and then maybe one day we'll decide that we've grown a little, and we can give it a try again.
But, because I communicated in a very "dance around the subject" type of way, that upset you. You might have felt like I was just stringing you along, and that is not what I wanted to do at all. I am so sorry for that. You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen and I just could bare to really say goodbye.
I know this is all long winded, and I know that you may never actually read this. But I want you to know that if I could go back in time, I wish I would have just ******* said it. Said all of it. Really opened up to the one I love, with my fears and all, and I think that maybe we could have figured it out.
In those last hours, or moments, or whatever it was of me and you just chatting about whatever the **** it was in my room. I was so content. I didn't feel like I was in NYC or Milwaukee, or really anywhere. I just knew I was with you and I knew I wanted to be there in that moment. And in this moment, I know that I still want to be in a place with you like that again.
I'm not religious. But I do believe in something. I think that in my dreams I'll see you, or maybe one day when we're older we'll bump into each other on the train like love is in the movies. Because that's what it was like with us... Things just happened and then it was perfect. Maybe that will never happen, but I just need to know that I tried, like REALLy did everything I could. Maybe not then, but at least I can send you a ******* long *** wordy letter now...
Speaking on all of this again is extra? Yes. Obsessive ? Maybe. Too much? Definitely. But this is my most authentic self. Is telling you all the things, even if I'm scared shitless to write it. I want to be me more. I want to not hold back because I only have one life.
So, with all that... In order to live by my truth, I need you to know that I love you. I love you forever. I will be in love with you forever. You are the most handsome and kind, genuine, loyal, fierce, passionate, hardworking, cutie pie I've ever met. I regret it all, and I wish that you were here. Every time I have kissed someone (I'm sorry if that makes you sad to hear) BUT, every time I have kissed someone, the first thing I remember are your lips, and I know that I haven't moved on, and it will be a long time until then.
I'm sorry for all of the hurtful things I've said. I'm sorry for the tweets. A lot of that anger and sassy and straight up rude-ness is coming from me being frustrated with my own emotions, and not coming by them honestly. So, in order to do so, I need to be honest straight up, and that means honest with you.
I'm sorry if this is all too much and I'm sorry if it bothered you. None of that was my intention. I just wanted to tell you the truth.
When I think of my future I think of you. I don't know how it will happen, but I hope that being truthful will send some better karma my way.
I love you forever and ever. Even if you're upset with me until the ends of the time, please don't forget how easy it all was when it was easy. Please don't forget that I will be your ride or die forever, that I will always be there to protect and care for you if I can, and please don't ever ever ever forget the first date. I never thought anything could be so easy until you came along.
I love you Isaiah. I never stopped. If I could have one wish, its that we could just give it one more try. I just want to relive those months with you over and over. You are a dream.
Love,
Shauna
