today
i am thinking for myself
i think?
i’m not quite sure
you told me to just be myself
to construct my own thoughts and
demolish the ideas that years of
constant bashing
toxicity
and taught irrational fear instilled in me
so today. i am thinking for myself
you told me to smile more
live a little! you said
i should forget what people think
not care about the constant murmur i seem to always hear

i am me
and that is enough.
right?

but what do you think?
am i smiling enough?
happy enough?
forgetting enough?
thinking enough?
im thinking
im thinking
im thinking
my mind can only paint a lie so big
i can’t think anymore
im not me anymore
i don’t think i’ve ever been me
i don’t think i even know what that means
i don’t think its occurred to me that i’ve only ever been who people want me to be
i don’t
think.

i can’t.

i am not thinking today
i’m not thinking at all