My envy is racked with guilt,
Because it’s you that’s suffers,
But me that feels the pain.
In your mind everything is as it should be,
You have no idea of the reality you live in.
As the drool hangs from your chin,
You feel nothing but happiness,
Your body slowly tires and fails,
Yet you relive your fondest memories,
Your happiest times,
All the while I hurt,
I love you,
I do,
But I sit and stare at you -
Hour after hour,
Envious at the paradise you’ve escaped to,
Hating myself for feeling this jealousy,
Blaming you for the loss of the life I had.
As my hours turn to days,
Weeks turn to months.
Feeding you,
Bathing you,
Hating you,
Loving you,
Missing you,
Wanting you,
I wear the guilt of my selfishness,
Like sunburned skin.
Wishing at times you would finally go,
Dreading the day you leave,
When they first told me you had dementia,
I knew it was only a matter of time,
But I never knew the true cost of its toll.
I tell myself that it must be part of the balance,
That we are tipping the scales back for all the wonders that we’ve lived,
Otherwise I couldn’t justify this existence.
I’m glad you’ll never get to read these words,
Not that you’d remember them if you did,
Because no matter how I feel,
I will gladly pay the price for all your wonders,
Because i love you,
And in some small way,
I know it could be me one day.