Sometimes I just want to be sad.
And I want to not care about anything
And I don’t want to feel bad about doing anything
And the only thing that would matter is to make myself feel better.
And feeling anything would be better than feeling like that so it wouldn’t matter what I did, and there would be no regret, no fear, and lots of pain. Beautiful, immediately real pain.
And I would cease to think and I would cease to think about thinking and I would exist as an element, reacting.
Just reacting.
And experiencing the dance.
Because, I want to feel it.
Really feel it. None of this phony derivative ********
I want Satori.
I want to not think.
I want to not want to do anything but to do it anyway.
I want love in its most disgusting explosions.
And I want people. Beautiful people. Especially pretty girls.
And I want to be good for them even if they think I’m not.
I want to heal people.
And I want to help people who need help but don’t know how to ask.
And I want to hurt people in a way that makes them who they want to be without realizing it, and I won’t realize it either.
I want to accidentally get everything right,
And I already am because nothing can get got wrong if the getter’s got no wrong left in the universe.
And I want plants.
I want Brassicas to spiral towards me because they realize the sun is unattainable and distant and that I am right here all the time with love.
And I want walk through all of the blackberry, and raspberry, and wineberry bushes so they can claw at me and stick me and bleed me. And they can grab me and never let go of me so that I can die there and they can absorb me. And we can realize we were never truly separate in the first place.
And I want Rhododendrons and Laurels to weave themselves into my home because I want to be sheltered by life and love and I want my surroundings to reverberate growth as I reverberate appreciation.
And I want to appreciate everything more.
And I want to feel what the river wants me to do for it.
And I want to hear from the wind where I should stand so that it can enter my skin and lift my soul above my body and I can experience weightlessness.
And I want the sun to explode, just so all life on Earth will flash before its own eyes and we can experience all of it again. Together.