I don't much feel like being a person today
I would rather fall in to the pit
then put in the effort to dig myself out of it
I'm far to exhausted to give a ****

I feel immensely alone and utterly empty
it seems all people wish to evade me though
they have indeed spoken to me all day
I'm stuck in a state of dreaming

Today I feel like playing pretend. I am thin, happy,
on stage, loved, people wish to see me and call
my name as I pass, in awe of my magnificence
I radiate confidence and kindness as I glide through life

But none of this seems to be true
I am living life in this dream that turns nightmarish
when another wakes me from my conscious mind
and I am forced to enter that empty place

That empty place inhibited by the rest
by those who live life for the sake of living
who laugh and cry for beauty, truth, and love
while I weep for myself and my pitiful existence

If only I believed at least one of them could understand
the state of living half dead and half asleep
I don't allow myself to except them as they are
They are people who I take the opportunity from

I don't give them the chance to know me, though who
is to say they would like such a chance? They deny
me the gift of living by their existence
they confound and terrify me in a way that causes me to float

I hover above life, never engaging in it.
Why shouldn't' I take a final plunge, i'm always two seconds
from that rattling bottle, that rope, that gun.
Why not reach for it and hold it lovingly like they hold their lives?

I welcome the thought of death in my conscious mind and
subconscious alike. Should I be struck down I would not weep
for my body or soul. I would instead thank the opportunity
to  break away from this mindset without the fault on myself

So why don't I go home and gather up all the pills
find a sturdy rope in the garage and a tall chair
lock the door to my room, tie a knot, swallow the liquor, wait ten minutes
and jump.

I think I might just  do that.