My entire life
No matter where I go, who I'm with, what I'm doing, how drunk I am
I have always felt on the outside - out of the picture
From childhood's hour
I have not been like others are
I've always been
Out of the conversation, at a distance
As though I am alone in existence
Everywhere I go, there is an impenetrable barrier
At home I'm a foreigner in my own land
I've always felt like a different breed
Slowing down when others pick up speed
As if I was the only one picking up the sounds or words that others don't hear
Deaf to the words that they do hear
I do not hear what others hear, I do not see what others see
Doing, saying, thinking things that others don't
When I try to explain what my world is like,
I baffle and stutter and can't find the words
And they look at me
From the other side of the barricade
With condescending, puzzled smiles
I've never really been a part of a group, a piece of a whole
Even in my own house, with my own friends,
I've always been an intruder
Everything I say, everything I do seems offbeat
I feel like everyone is dancing some sort of elaborate choreography
And I haven't learned the steps
Or they're all playing a game
And no one taught me the rules, or let me roll the dice
I've always felt out of it,
As if I was alone on the opposite side of an enormous, invisible window
Pressing my hands against the glass, tracing worlds in the fog
A stranger looking in
I've always felt it
Struggling to break the sturdy facade
In crowded parties, sleepovers,
Lunch breaks, with my family, with best friends
But with him
I'm not an outsider
Even though we argue, or call each other names,
Or slap each other, or steal each other's pens
We understand each other
Simply
Easy
With him
There is no window, no barrier, no wall
When we talk, there is only us
Encased in a small, invisible circle
A circle I'm not excluded from
Which enclosed us, and protects us from the world
All the others fade,
And only remains this sort of forcefield
There's no plausible explanation
For this halo
Nothing logical about it
Nothing like "we just get along",
Because we don't, not always
But the circle is there
Undeniable and hopefully eternal
One day I'll trace that circle
Around us, and he'll see it
too