Lost Track

I'm at my desk paying bills

 Utility papers, debts and pills

 I'm tired, and I feel the old feelings reside

 There's a primitive darkness stirring outside

 Stars electric, sky like ink

 I look up at the window and think,

  I no longer know where you are

 Somewhere in the world, strumming your guitar?

 I put down the papers, the wine and the pen

 I open the door

 And shove myself into the night

  I'm past the house now

 Dark air fluttering all around me

 I can almost smell your musk

 I'm walking on cold pavement, and surrounded by dusk

 I can't see where I'm headed, I can't see where I am

 It was always that way

 I walk on and remember

 Us dissolving and dying like a brazen ember

 Our platonic parting,

 College, we lost touch

 You didn't really care much

 The texts became sparse and faded away

 We got our own lives, and wandered astray

 We walk alone now, separate worlds, separate streets

 I've got a husband now, snoring in white sheets

 And children, and beige furniture

 Sleeping in the dark house behind me

 and the hard

 words

  I never said

 can now be   said:   

I love

  you.  

Looming shadows of trees

 A cold, biting breeze

 So much darkness, and nothing to distract me from

 All the memories

 I shove my hands in my pockets

 And remember

 I remember the feel of you, Old Spice,

 The jokes and stupid advice

 Art, your smile and the glow

 All those years, watching us grow

 The light in the window, your guitars,

 Movies, parents, and Bear Valley stars

 Bad lip readings, our noons, simply living

 Taking, borrowing, lending and giving

 Fighting, yelling, grins and forgiving

 Always talking, drawing, writing, both stupid and clever

 Skiing, flying together, immortal forever

 And french class- j'aime, j'aimais, j'ai aimé, j'aimerai

 Your hand, my hand, your notebooks and mine,

 All these memories and our slow decline.

  The wind blows hard tonight  

And it's a cold wind

 I was young

 And naive, and all of it stung

 Love, it hurt like a knife

 inside,

 Washed over my heart like a brutal tide

 And now...now I wander in the cool darkness

 Weeping a bit, ashamed of my sentimentality

  The wind is so viciously howling

 I remember

 I gave in, I let love enfold me

 And the tender little

 words

I was too scared to

 voice

 can now

 said:  

I love

  you.

 I have a family now, a job, the years run thin

 I didn't lose, I didn't win

 Nothing changed

 This feeling,

 it was locked in place

 I weep as I feel the night's embrace

 In the darkness, something broke

 Something  remained, and something awoke

  I loved you when it would have taken less courage  not to

 You were the only one who understood

 I look up at the stars and think,  I no longer know where you are

 I no longer know who we are

 The saltwater flows in tiny streams

 Here I am, a bundle of past recollections and dreams

  I'm still walking in the twilight's midst

 I look down at my little wrist

 I'm still as frail as I was in high school

 And maybe still as fragile

 I haven't really grown

 I'm still skin and slim bone

 I'm not made of much

 I'm made of the ones I have loved

 The ones who have loved me

 And the ones I've yet to love

 That's all

 And the simple

 words

  I never wrote

 can now

 etched out into the darkness with my hands: 

I love

  you. 

 Love is fragile

 But somehow remains engraved

 The pieces are saved,

 The things that hovered on lips,

 That might have been said

 And love stays in the head

 The memories don't fade

 They stay sharp as a blade

 All the things past, that happened

 Or that might have occurred.

  There is only one love in life,

 That's the heart's strife

 Or there are all kinds of love in the world,

 But never the same love twice

 So many feelings once should suffice

 You will never be lost to me

 As long as I remember you

 Oh anyways the darkness is ebbing

 And I must stop to roam

 I need to go home

 I can hear my husband from the family of elites

 Stirring in the sheets

 Awaiting breakfast

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