I'm at my desk paying bills

Utility papers, debts and pills

I'm tired, and I feel the old feelings reside

There's a primitive darkness stirring outside

Stars electric, sky like ink

I look up at the window and think,



I no longer know where you are

Somewhere in the world, strumming your guitar?

I put down the papers, the wine and the pen

I open the door

And shove myself into the night



I'm past the house now

Dark air fluttering all around me

I can almost smell your musk

I'm walking on cold pavement, and surrounded by dusk

I can't see where I'm headed, I can't see where I am

It was always that way

I walk on and remember

Us dissolving and dying like a brazen ember

Our platonic parting,

College, we lost touch

You didn't really care much

The texts became sparse and faded away

We got our own lives, and wandered astray

We walk alone now, separate worlds, separate streets

I've got a husband now, snoring in white sheets

And children, and beige furniture

Sleeping in the dark house behind me

and the hard

words


I never said

can now be 

said:



I love


you.



Looming shadows of trees

A cold, biting breeze

So much darkness, and nothing to distract me from

All the memories

I shove my hands in my pockets

And remember

I remember the feel of you, Old Spice,

The jokes and stupid advice

Art, your smile and the glow

All those years, watching us grow

The light in the window, your guitars,

Movies, parents, and Bear Valley stars

Bad lip readings, our noons, simply living

Taking, borrowing, lending and giving

Fighting, yelling, grins and forgiving

Always talking, drawing, writing, both stupid and clever

Skiing, flying together, immortal forever

And french class- j'aime, j'aimais, j'ai aimé, j'aimerai

Your hand, my hand, your notebooks and mine,

All these memories and our slow decline.



The wind blows hard tonight


And it's a cold wind

I was young

And naive, and all of it stung

Love, it hurt like a knife

inside,

Washed over my heart like a brutal tide

And now...now I wander in the cool darkness

Weeping a bit, ashamed of my sentimentality



The wind is so viciously howling

I remember

I gave in, I let love enfold me

And the tender little

words
I was too scared to

voice

can now

be

said:


I love

 you.



I have a family now, a job, the years run thin

I didn't lose, I didn't win

Nothing changed

This feeling,

it was locked in place

I weep as I feel the night's embrace

In the darkness, something broke

Something 
remained, and something awoke



I loved you when it would have taken less courage
 not to

You were the only one who understood

I look up at the stars and think,

I no longer know where you are

I no longer know who we are

The saltwater flows in tiny streams

Here I am, a bundle of past recollections and dreams



I'm still walking in the twilight's midst

I look down at my little wrist

I'm still as frail as I was in high school

And maybe still as fragile

I haven't really grown

I'm still skin and slim bone

I'm not made of much

I'm made of the ones I have loved

The ones who have loved me

And the ones I've yet to love

That's all

And the simple

words


I never wrote

can now

be

etched out into the darkness with my hands:

I love

 you.



Love is fragile

But somehow remains engraved

The pieces are saved,

The things that hovered on lips,

That might have been said

And love stays in the head

The memories don't fade

They stay sharp as a blade

All the things past, that happened

Or that might have occurred.



There is only one love in life,

That's the heart's strife

Or there are all kinds of love in the world,

But never the same love twice

So many feelings once should suffice

You will never be lost to me

As long as I remember you

Oh anyways the darkness is ebbing

And I must stop to roam

I need to go home

I can hear my husband from the family of elites

Stirring in the sheets

Awaiting breakfast