sometimes I throw pennies
in the space where you used
to fill my heart
I listen to its hollow echo
the wish is always the same

all this time and I still don't know
why I didn't let you love me
perhaps it was because
we were partners in creativity
and I am by nature a restrictive
girl always cutting things off
so that they don't ruin each other
I always do this as if to save myself
just in case I find something
better
(this is called fear)

because too many things have bled together
inside and outside
of me
like permanent watercolours on a tablecloth,
and I've learned to stop the painting
from being finished before
I ruin everything again
stains like this have been stuck
inside of me
ever  since the moment I realized
you weren't coming back
to try and love me again

all this time and I still don't know
why I didn't let you love me
tonight I cast another penny
in the space where you used to fill my heart
now I know I was afraid of you
now I know that fear has been living inside of me
ever since the moment I realized
you weren't coming back
to try again

and that moment
is right
now.

the wish is always the same.