I’ve been through so much,
Yet I still get depressed,
Like what more do I have to get off my chest?
I build myself up, just to be torn to pieces,
I don’t want to give up, by sometimes it just feels like I’m another blurred face.
Put within a space where I can’t even tell who the **** I am.
Or why am I even there.
I keep trying to be better, but still no one cares.
I’m still struggling with addiction,
And battling all my fears.
It’s just I can’t help but to go back to how I’ve always been.
Where my only friend is a bottle of gin.
But that is not my only crutch,
I’m also lost in my lust.
Lust for things, lust for fame and fortune.
To be treated as important instead of a mistake.
I just long for a day this emptiness will go away.
But for right now I’m stuck in a vortex.
With no air to breath.
Sometimes, I feel like Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a hill just for it to roll down again.
Like ****.
Why can’t I escape my insecurities,
That say I’m ugly, or won’t achieve anything.
Or ever be in love again.
I just feel broken and sad.
Even though I put on a good smile.
Or make people laugh.
It’s just that I finally understand what Robin Williams meant.
When he said that some of the greatest comedians are usually the most in pain.
For I’m good at giving advice or helping other people,
But when it comes to myself it’s the opposite.
I just give and give and give,
Until there is nothing left.
I want a break through,
I want to change,
I want to laugh and really mean it,
I want to love without all my past baggage.
But yet here I am,
Still Chasing my own tail.
Stuck in my own personal hell.
People say it’ll get better,
Tell me when the hell is that.
I’ve been in this cycle for eight yrs and still nothing’s changed.
Nothing has gotten better.
And I’ve been praying,
But maybe God is just too fed up with me.
Maybe I’m too far gone to ever see the light again.
I don’t know anymore,
Because right now I’m struggling.