who are you
what on earth are you doing
doesn't he love me?
am i that desperate for love?
do i need it?

maybe i am too hollow for this
it will hurt to leave him
it will hurt very much
but I need to salvage my self-respect
he did not take it away from me
but i am letting it

why
why am i doing this to myself
why am i doing this
you are just
trusting everything he is saying
but how much do you know is the truth
you are
letting your guard down
lower and lower each time and now
have only so much left you
have concealed
what if once he has seen it all
he leaves you open, scarred
vulnerable.
he loses nothing

you are bare, hurt and betrayed
once again
can you really bear the pain
i dont like to be put down
yet he is so real with me
is that not good
to gain feedback criticism and learning
at the expense of what
i am falling in love and hence
i am afraid
afraid i will be blinded
******* and bound in shackles
enslaved to this man whom
all i can say is
he is kind
and he is a good man.

is that enough?
what if i lose myself
i can not afford to do that
never again
but will i, with this man
it seems so likely
is it on me

i must be strong
i must be strong
i must be strong
what i want
is just as valid as what
anyone wants and more importantly
what he wants but his is all i care about

what i know and see
is just as valid as what he can see
my perspectives may not be as
experienced as his
but they are experienced differently
and experienced nonetheless

if i need remind myself these thing already
am i already being dominated
subconsciously
if he has already hinted at parting ways
how can i stick around to see if
he will break my heart
i feel out of control
it is new
i am afraid

afraid enough to leave?
one that does indeed keep me happy
maybe i am simply being silly
all can be talked about
but there is this voice inside me
screaming

reminding me to always
remind myself to be careful
so very careful

yet all i want to do
is likened to standing at the edge of a
cliff beside a waterfall onlooking a
crystal clear lagoon
take a deep breath which will be the only certainty i have, the air in my lungs
and jump.