Jan 2020
Sometimes the hardest part is finding the line that grabs you by the throat
It should stare you down until you’re left shaking and wondering why
So I guess let’s give this a try
I don’t mean to alarm you but I’ve taken up the past time of chewing on butcher knives
Of course one doesn’t start with butcher knives as they tend to be a bit large
But I’ve tried and tried and nothing else works
These things tend to start smaller for me it was a pen
It wasn’t sharp it felt safe and yes I suppose we can say the pen was a gateway
Countless worlds opened from there so many hearts and minds suddenly before me
It was a lot to take in and I’ll be honest there are things I wish I didn’t know about other people
A lot of things I wish I had never put down and forced myself to face
Somehow it wasn’t enough and it quickly spiraled deeper expanding rapidly into a rabbit hole
Things escalate quickly with me that just seems to be the way it works
But before I knew it I carried a needle between my teeth
Sharp dangerous and maybe there was a hint of a thrill that came with it
Maybe it was the same needle that threaded us together I’m not sure
That pulled us together in all the pain when we felt broken and worthless
But maybe the symbolism is a little too extreme so we’ll abandon the idea that it was
You see there was a reason it started in the first place
All I wanted to do was scrape every word out of the inside of my mouth
There was too much that sat behind my teeth screaming for air
I don’t know why it was so hard to release any of it freely like any normal person could do
But I couldn’t do it
So I took to carving them out desperate to get rid of the taste
Words falling carelessly and soundlessly out of my mouth
I always ignored the blood that came with it
But every night I sit down to dinner with addiction and there’s always more
I feel like I already know I’ll be swallowing swords before long and I fear that may not be enough either
It’s only butcher knives now but how much longer until I’m spitting out chunks of my own skin
At what point am I going to feel the need to take it further again
What if next time it’s a hand grenade
~W.C.
It should stare you down until you’re left shaking and wondering why
So I guess let’s give this a try
I don’t mean to alarm you but I’ve taken up the past time of chewing on butcher knives
Of course one doesn’t start with butcher knives as they tend to be a bit large
But I’ve tried and tried and nothing else works
These things tend to start smaller for me it was a pen
It wasn’t sharp it felt safe and yes I suppose we can say the pen was a gateway
Countless worlds opened from there so many hearts and minds suddenly before me
It was a lot to take in and I’ll be honest there are things I wish I didn’t know about other people
A lot of things I wish I had never put down and forced myself to face
Somehow it wasn’t enough and it quickly spiraled deeper expanding rapidly into a rabbit hole
Things escalate quickly with me that just seems to be the way it works
But before I knew it I carried a needle between my teeth
Sharp dangerous and maybe there was a hint of a thrill that came with it
Maybe it was the same needle that threaded us together I’m not sure
That pulled us together in all the pain when we felt broken and worthless
But maybe the symbolism is a little too extreme so we’ll abandon the idea that it was
You see there was a reason it started in the first place
All I wanted to do was scrape every word out of the inside of my mouth
There was too much that sat behind my teeth screaming for air
I don’t know why it was so hard to release any of it freely like any normal person could do
But I couldn’t do it
So I took to carving them out desperate to get rid of the taste
Words falling carelessly and soundlessly out of my mouth
I always ignored the blood that came with it
But every night I sit down to dinner with addiction and there’s always more
I feel like I already know I’ll be swallowing swords before long and I fear that may not be enough either
It’s only butcher knives now but how much longer until I’m spitting out chunks of my own skin
At what point am I going to feel the need to take it further again
What if next time it’s a hand grenade
~W.C.
