i wake up tired and before i fall asleep i feel the most awake the most alert my mind doesn't work until the sun goes down i don't know why why its so hard to get going my biggest regret is waking up this morning not that today was any worse than yesterday or tomorrow will be any better im not afraid sometimes i think i am afraid to make the choices i need to make its not fear its apprehension not of what will happen but what will become what will become of me i spoke to god once just once it was on a rickety subway car we were alone as only he would have it i cant share with you what he said im sure you'll understand but i'll tell you this he doesn't hate you because of the things you do or the people you hurt he talks to you like a mother with the wisdom of your father his presence was fear of his strength i could feel it to the bones his presence was love because he came to me and wanted to know my answers which im sure he already knew but to speak them aloud to hear my voice carry the answers within the questions i knew he broke the silence and i knew why he gave me a voice so that we could speak he gave me a voice so that i could be heard and as he approved rejection i of he he couldn't change it and so we sat on a rickety subway car i spoke to god before i killed him