Staring into space
My stomach hurting
And then it clenches
Why does this always happen?
Why can’t I just avoid this and tell myself no?

I want to feel wanted
I want to feel affection
I miss being someone’s special someone
Why, then, does it hurt?
Why am I so afraid?

I’m really afraid
I don’t want to get hurt
I can’t tell if anyone likes me
Or if
I simply think they do
And they don’t

Can there be a tell-tail sign?
That would make things easier
I wouldn’t have to continue
Being confused
And hurt

I’m trying to let go of control
To stop chasing
And, instead
Be chased
Wouldn’t that be wonderful for once?

And yet,
When that potentially happened
It wasn’t the right person
So I walked away from it
Like I should have

And yet,
When that again potentially happened
I tried to show interest
And then I got scared
And I think I ******* it up like I always do

Why can’t it be as easy as
Sitting somewhere, doing my thing
And someone shows interest
Continuously
And I’m interested too

I try to just go with it
But it’s hard sometimes
I get so shy
I try not too
But it just keeps happening

It’s like I can’t have many guy friends
Because I just end up liking them
Which isn’t bad but
It’s usually not reciprocated
And then I just get confused and hurt again

And again
It just keeps happening
And it doesn’t seem
To want to stop
Ever

Can I just magically feel
Self-confident
And not give a ****
About what others think
For once in my life

Not care about being accepted
Not care about being wanted
Find myself
Love myself
For myself

Because right now
I swear I’m having trouble
Loving myself for myself
Accepting myself without someone else
Without someone having me as their own

I know it’s not the worst thing
In the world
But it really hurts me at times
I just want
To have some fun

Yet, I have this thing
Where I really detest leading people on
So it gets in the way of me just
Having fun
With no repercussions

Am I ever going to be able to get over this?
Am I ever going to be able to just let go?
Why is that so hard for me?
To just,
Let go of it all

I know there’s a lot to let go of
But shouldn’t I still be able to
At least let go of
Some of it
At least a little bit

It would be great
If everything would just
Work itself out
And all of a sudden
I’d be happy and stay happy

I miss being continuously happy
So much
I’m still having trouble with that
I just can’t seem to
Grasp that happiness notch

I have my moments
But then something else happens
And it’s gone
It slips away
Just out of reach

I feel like I need help
And yet when I go for help
I no longer need the help
I originally
Went for

It’s tiring
Really
I just want everything to work out
And I know it will
But it’s difficult to believe it at times

I’m really tired
Of all of this
I try to live in the moment
And then
I just stop

I know there are those
Who have it way worse
Because I also know
How truly blessed
I really am

But it’s hard to realize that at times
It’s really hard
Everything was fine
Then everything changed
Everything wasn’t really fine

I just want to scream
To scream and cry
To cry and scream
To release my frustrations
And let them go

They always come back though
No matter what happens
They just always return
And they
Haunt me