I tried to be strong for you when your mom died
We cried in the car in the driveway next door with all of the lights off
I held your hand up to my mouth and kissed it
We sat in silence and sobs for a long while before we were ready to go into my own moms house
I hug her tighter now
I wonder if you wish it were the other way around
I know I would find it hard not to

I see her in your stubbornness
Your silliness
Your vices
Your voice
Losing her is like losing a big part of you
Like losing a big part of myself

I wanted more years with her
But for now I’ll water her ivy and always wear patchouli and watch my mouth when I want to say “god ******” and maybe dance a little more in her honor and make grilled cheeses with mayonnaise instead of butter and sit outside on my porch more often and make sure you sweep up your crumbs that I know you are tired of hearing about

We can’t gang up on you anymore like you always claimed we did, I laughed every time you told me I acted like her in little ways, I just liked being on her side
I liked her being on my side

I’ve never felt more special in my life than knowing and feeling her approval and love for me

I want to be the woman she saw in me. I want to prove her right, that she knew all along there was no one else out there for you, besides me,
for me, besides you.

I know in my heart that there was not a more special woman in this world.
I wanted more years with you.