this time last year
i was a very different person
i was living on the north side of town
i was working a job i was good at, but didn't
necessarily enjoy
i was dating someone who said he loved me but was secretly
using me as a distraction and i naively
believed his lies because i was so wrapped up
in my own to notice let alone, care
i thought he was a man but he was just a little boy,
i was miserable
i was a vagabond, i didn't know where i was going to sleep next
i was just trying very hard
to cultivate the feeling of home by making sure i was constantly surrounded
with a rotating carousel of people and it was impossible, trying to please them all,
always being in a million places at once, both
mentally and physically.
i was working for my mother's ex-best friend who controlled and manipulated me
but i was searching for a new mother and she was the closest thing
i could find so i stuck around for a while
just to see if she could love me like a daughter but,
she couldn't, and she never did i was nothing
but an outlet for her anger and a convenient babysitter
for her 10 year old daughter and i felt bad because
i didn't sign up to be a role model all i was signing up for was
love and i was devastated to find that there really
was none there to begin with.
this time last year
my 88-year old grandfather was dying and all i felt
was jealousy
because i wanted to die so very badly but he died first
and i resented that but i kept quiet about it
because only horrible people
would think something like that but back then
i truly believed i was
a horrible person and i actually really did
just want to die so i could find some peace and quiet, at last.
this time last year i hadn't yet met the one person
who would change my life forever, i had no idea
my life and thoughts and emotions were about to be turned
upside down by this angel of a girl who offered me
an abundance of love and hope and complete understanding
and essentially, saved my life.
a year ago today i had no idea it was even possible to look
straight into someone's eyes and see nothing but your own soul
reflected right back at you.
this time last year
i was a broken excuse of a human being,
i was a thoughtlessly tossed piece of blank paper that landed
on the ground trying very hard
to inch its way closer to the trash can if only to be close
to some kind of feeling of belonging
somewhere even if that place was
nowhere special at all.
this time last year
i was a very different person and although i cannot say
i am right where i've always envisioned myself to be
right now,
i am thankful.
for love,
for hope,
for simplicity,
for family,
for friendship, -
the list
goes on.