Not sleeping because of nightmares,
but having alcohol for breakfast.
Trying not to cut though needing it so badly,
God how do I still want it?

Not eating, to stay skinny.
I thought I'd left that disorder behind...
forgetting to take my medication.
crying, clutching memories in small moments of spare time.

Sitting in the darkness alone
wondering where my heart is hiding,
God Where has it gone?
and if my mind will ever find peace,
or myself a permanant home.

Bouncing between being genuinely happy
and the warm hugs of bitterness.
The lows of my depression marked by weird highs of feeling emotionless.

Forgetting everything due to the memory loss but always remembering the worst,
all my regrets.
it's like I can never escape the knowledge,
the seduction of the mess.

Like a Siren luring me in
searching for comfort within
but the only thing calling back to me throughout the noise is sin.

Hoping to run from my pain
but honestly I'm steeping,
forever waiting in content
For something to save me that'll never come,
trapped within my own brain it's decieving.
Because self destruction is inescapable, inevitable, Hell bent.